Category: Austerity

FOCUS GROUP FOCUS: Migrants in small boats is the UK’s biggest problem. Not the rising costs of, well, everything. Not the shortages. Not the job losses. Focus groups tell Rishi Sunak to concentrate on anything else.

“The technique is tired and tested,” claimed government spokesman Pantson Fyre. “The government can’t, or won’t, solve the problems facing the country. This might be because the problems are too big to fix, but usually it’s because the ideology of making the poor pay for tax cuts for the rich does not permit it. So instead we nominate a scapegoat and send our tame newspapers after it. Foreigners, single mums, women, dole scroungers, the Woke, you name it. The approved list of scapegoats includes all these. But top of the list is poor foreigners seeking asylum by landing here in makeshift dinghies.”

Sunak is caught in a trap of his party’s making. He can’t complain since he helped create the trap, never for an instant realising that he would only trap himself.

The solutions to the country’s woes are many and obvious, Professor Limpley Wristed of Wokeland University explains. “It’s easy!” says the Prof. “Progressive taxation! Redistribute the idle, unused billions from the offshore treasure heaps, use the cash to renationalise the Utilities, fund our public services properly, rejoin the EU, stop wasting money on outsourcing and dividends, and provide a decent bus service instead!”

The newspaper that printed this outrageous outburst was closed down instantly.

The Professor was detained and charged by the Great British Police, now run patriotically by Britain First. Ironically, the Professor was only trying to put Britain first, before the billionaire Tory donors so beloved by the government.

Inevitably, Michael Gove was brought out of hibernation to justify this outrageous behaviour. “Say the line, Michael! Say the line!” Gove sighed. “We have had enough of experts,” he said to rapturous applause.

ENJOYING YOUR SALAD DAYS: The UK’s reputation as an example to the world has gained another boost. The credit agency, Substandard & Very Poor Indeed, has upgraded the UK’s status to Tomato Republic.

LCD Views sought the reasoning behind the decision, by contacting a VIP from S&VPI. The VIP, Bob A. Jobb, was as keen as mustard.

“Normal countries are called, well, countries,” said Jobb. “Spain. Germany. Italy. Even France. But the UK is special! Lettuce go through the reasons why.”

Why?

“Cos,” he replied. “The average celery in the UK is depressed even by third world standards. So that means the UK must be a fourth world country!”

Fourth is higher than third, right? That’s good, isn’t it?

“Err, yes of course,” said Jobb. “Except that the score uses golf rules, and the lower the number the better. We wanted to call the UK a Gherkin Country, but the USA objected.”

Because nobody likes gherkins?

“No, Americans like them but Brits don’t,” said Jobb. “It means, the UK is in a pickle, but Brits prefer to pickle onions and eggs and walnuts and stuff like that.”

I’m beginning to ketchup now.

“So we decided to use the Tomato for symbolism,” said Jobb with relish. “Red, like British faces in the noonday sun, or when they look at just how successful their politics (sponsored by the IEA) have been.”

The agent’s comments chilled me to the marrow. It sounds like we are in Banana Republic territory.

“Yes, except that the UK has no bananas. Nor tomatoes, come to that.”

Yes, we have no bananas. That just about takes the biscuit.

“Right now, there is a black market – or should we say, a red market – in tomatoes in the UK,” claimed Jobb. “One man cashed in his considerable life savings to obtain a little tomato of his own. Really, you Brits, when the chips are down, you have a run on salad instead, you complete fruitcakes!”

Fun fact: if you place some scrambled egg on top of a ripe tomato, it looks just like Boris Johnson.

I KNOW MY PLACE: Energy company shareholders are demanding a bit more respect for their investment. No more simple raising of the price caps, that almost implies some kind of Woke equality. No, in future the cap must be doffed.

Forget the culture war, we are well into reasserting the traditional English class strictures. Or structures. The idle rich, with vast amounts of money and favours to bestow, must be regarded as demi-gods. Access to their benevolence may only come through worship. Only when a supplicant has grovelled, bowed and scraped, and relinquished all rights to property and humanity, will the demi-god consider the fact of their existence, and the possible usefulness of said supplicant to muck out his vast, centrally heated stables.

And so it is with energy bills. We, as lower orders, must happily pay whatever charges are demanded. Furthermore, we must write thank you notes to the benevolent capitalists whose munificence ensures continuity of supply. And if the charges are too high, well then, that is not the fault of the capitalists. Why don’t you dig your own oil well? Install your own wind turbine? You failed to take personal responsibility, and now you must face the consequences. Work harder! There are plenty of underpaid jobs out there. Sell your internal organs, or your children. They are, after all, merely assets to be bought and sold.

Doff your cap to your superiors. No cap? We will sell you one (price: one kidney). Oh, and make sure you wash. No water? Can’t afford it? Why didn’t you dig your own well? Use the river, it’s already full of your own filth.

OFGEM must be reminded who they work for. Pick the right side, for once. You work for the shareholders, who are the only tenuous protection for your very existence. Raise your cap. Raise it again. No, make sure you doff your cap. Be grateful to be allowed to maintain the illusions of democracy and consumer protection.

And don’t forget to curtsey as you freeze to death.

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER: A Tory MP has advised his constituents that we must all tighten our belts because of the rocketing price of living. Which simultaneously has nothing to do with inflation.

“Everyone must do their bit,” said Bill Quarterly, MP for Grifter-on-the-Take. “We must all work a few more hours. We must all make sacrifices. Just think of the poor billionaires, desperately eking out an existence before their next dividend rolls in!”

And of course it’s the price rises which pay for those precious dividends. But there are other more pressing matters at hand.

“I personally am almost destitute,” claimed Quarterly, quaffing on vintage champagne. “I’m down to my last 20 rental properties, and unpaid rents are rising alarmingly. Eviction notices don’t come cheap!”

At least he will be lucky enough to be able to pay his bills when they land, heavily, on one of his front door mats.

“Fortunately I can claim it on expenses,” said Quarterly complacently. “Isn’t that what everyone does? I mean, the prices are off the blooming scale!”

What’s the solution to all our problems?

“Everyone needs to work harder so they pay more tax so I can claim my expenses,” he said. “And take a pay cut to stop inflation. Then tax cuts for the most deserving, as accurately measured by their net wealth.”

Ultimately if nothing is done, there will be wide scale poverty and homelessness. The rich will have squeezed the rest of the population dry. What then?

“Simple, we do nothing. There is no such thing as society, unless it can be monetised and sold,” he claimed. “Our great plan is nearing fruition, to privatise society itself! We will return to the good old days of Norman the Conqueror!”

Charter cities. Charter villages. Charter people. Most of us will have no assets left, will not be able to sell our labour, and will be forced to throw ourselves on the mercy of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

WE GOT THE COST OF LIVING CRISIS DONE: Prime Minister and dietary expert Boris Johnson has solved the cost of living crisis. He has simply decided that, since he can still afford to live, that there is no crisis any more. 

After all, he Got Brexit Done by allowing all the extensions and grace periods to expire. He Got Covid Done by losing interest in it as soon as the clamour got too loud. 

Crisis? What crisis? is his cry. As every child all over the world knows, if you close your eyes, whatever you were looking at disappears. Johnson is no longer looking at the crisis. Therefore, it doesn’t exist. The logic is impeccable.

Having decided upon a strategy, however feeble, Number Ten is sticking to it through thick and thin. Or at least until the outcry becomes too much, and the tabloids begin to report on it. 

“You simply have to believe in better,” admitted the famous anonymous Downing Street Source. “Think yourself warm. Think yourself well fed. Urge your car to run on empty. It’s not hard!” 

What does the Source say about actual people actually freezing and starving to death in Britain right now? 

“These alleged people are not believing hard enough,” chided the Source. “They must be lefties, remainers, unpatriotic country-haters, do-gooding Guardian readers who want the country to fail. If such faithless losers die, then what is it to us? We will be stronger and better off without them!” 

That’s not much help, to be fair. 

“Lie back and think of England!” said the Source. “Think of the compassion of Priti Patel, the firm competence of Dominic Raab, Nadine Dorries’ effortless command of her brief, and the all-encompassing love of Boris Johnson! I’m getting a nice warm glow right now!” 

They think it’s all over. It is, now. 

WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE MILLIONAIRES: The Prime Minister is finally taking steps to help those hardest hit by the cost of living increases. The least well off millionaires will be supported by the government through these trying times. 

Millionaires are being squeezed at both ends. Changes to National Insurance rules mean that they will actually have to pay it. Also, with cheap EU labour having fucked off home thanks to Brexit, many are finding it hard to acquire cheap labour to clean their mansions and raise their snotty kids. The furious clampdowns on illegal immigrants means that even millionaires living near Dover can no longer obtain under-the-radar staff. 

So the millionaires are having to employ British workers. And they are once again caught in a bind. Not wishing to catch covid from the massed ranks of the Great unwashed, millionaires are demanding the very vaccine passports that they so recently loudly objected to. 

Even at minimum wage, that’s an increase in costs that will deprive little Tarquin of one of his skiing holidays. 

Tales are circulating amongst the nouveaux pauvre of the unthinkable sacrifices they are having to make. Some are down to their last four Range Rovers. The hardest hit are having to contemplate selling one of their second homes. 

Into this disastrous situation steps Boris Johnson with a rescue package. In exchange for donations in perpetuity to the Conservative Party, Johnson is pledging first dibs on government contracts and tranches of gas company shares. And every ten years, a free coffee. It’s the ultimate loyalty scheme. 

This will be paid for by extra taxes on those who actually need to work for a living. It’s the duty of the lower orders to subsidise the lifestyles of their social superiors, this is one of the principal cornerstones of British Society. 

Poor little rich kids. 

TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT : The one and lonely Boris Johnson is to lead his party in a doorstep clap this evening at 8pm to celebrate today’s eyewatering cost of living increases.

A Downing Street source said the decision to clap for people suddenly finding themselves in poverty, and those now teetering on the brink, was made in order to allow the entire Conservative Party to make a public show of just how pleased they are with themselves.

“Squeezing the fat out of the lamb until it bleats, and then collapses, is the number one goal for Tory MPs,” the Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The fact that we have overseen the worst drop in living standards in history and are just allowed to carry on making things worse and worse, it really shows we have captured British politics and strangled it.”

It’s believed especial pleasure is being taken over the public discourse about the crippling increases in day to day costs for hardworking British families, and the other ones.

“No one is mentioning Brexit. Not us. Not Labour. It’s amazing. We’re really winning here. We’ve disinvested in public services and lined our friends pockets for over a decade. We’ve shattered our trading relationship with our closest neighbours. We’ve overseen a murderous shitshow in response to the pandemic. Well, the list is long. And really the scrutiny is zero. It’s just magnificent. No one is calling us out for the long history of miss rule. Just demanding we do more now. Rishi doesn’t even know how to buy a fucking Snickers mate. Good luck getting him to understand that being part of a government that has created 10’s of 1,000’s of food banks is not a good thing. You’re dreaming.”

The public are encouraged to join Tory MPs at 8pm tonight and stand on their doorsteps and clap.

“There’s an unseasonal cold snap happening and the physical activity will help warm you up.”

Temporarily.

THE ELECTION COUNTDOWN STARTS HERE: Roll out the clichés, massage the figures until they squeak, and gaslight at mark 9. Like American fast food, the results are cheap, empty, superficially attractive, and utterly lacking in substance. 

Chancellor Rishi Sunak has delivered a budget to disappoint almost everyone. An inadequate tinkering with tax and NI thresholds is expected when the economy is ticking over nicely. However, when the economy is about to go tits up like an enthusiastic tart, it’s like trying to stop the tide coming in using a bucket and spade. 

But it’s all about good housekeeping. “My hands are tied,” claimed Sunak, gesticulating mildly. “I can’t create money out of thin air. Well, actually, I can, but I won’t, because that would mean raising taxes, which I refuse to do, even though I’ve just done it.” 

Tory logic at its finest. Sunak will clearly go a long way. 

“There simply isn’t enough cash in the system to pay for the profiteering we have sanctioned,” Sunak continued. “International pressures have forced us to sanction some of our own personal income streams, and I had to write off billions of pounds worth of covid loans because otherwise the recipients would have kicked off. So, you see, there’s nothing left in the kitty.” 

Yet still he peddles the old line about being trustworthy with the public purse. 

‘You can trust the Conservatives to look after taxpayers’ money in their offshore accounts,” Sunak claimed triumphantly. “Look, countless billions, safely stashed away, gaining interest, and safely out of the reach of HMRC! The Exchequer is out there, resting in a million untraceable accounts! It warms the cockles, and earns just enough to cover my gas bill.” 

OK, but what about the rest of us, whose hard work created that stash? 

“Not my responsibility,” he claimed. “If you can’t get by, get another job, choose better parents, or marry a rich girl. Just like me!” 

He grinned toothily, and observers could have sworn that there was a little ‘ping’ that accompanied the glinting teeth. 

STARING INTO THE SHADED POOL OF WATER AND FALLING IN LOVE : THE UK’S RICHEST CHANCELLOR EVER, RISHI SUNAK, has made moves to combat the reputation he is gaining that he knows nothing of what it is like for “real people”.

“It’s total bollocks, baby,” Rishi Sunak said in a pre-recorded video released to the press, noteworthy for the quality of the camera angles and lighting. In particular the way the light brushes the heavy grip gel holding his hair in just the right curve. “My professional photographers are real people. Totally. Not one android among them.”

The video will cause waves next door in 10 Downing Street though where a bloated whale carcass floats aimlessly on the tide of history wondering who will be first to carve him up. It is also thought to have worsened an already tense relationship with Foreign Secretary Liz Truss.

“Those two have been at daggers drawn since Sunak allegedly paid well over the odds for the services of Ms Truss’s social media account manager. You can’t just poach each other’s staff like that, even if the public is footing the bill.”

In spite of the squabbling amongst the cabinet ministers the real concern for the public will be the cost of living crisis.

“It’s going to get a lot worse but Sunak will do something about it,” a source inside the Exchequer tells LCD Views. “He’s pledging millions to ensure his makeover and photography team have the tools needed to present him as a stylish friend of the plebs. And you can expect some eye catching gimmicks too. Remember Eat Out to Help Out? You know the scheme to pay people to catch a deadly virus while eating some piri-piri chicken? The next scheme will be more cannibalism focused to reflect the catastrophic impact of 12 years of Tory mismanagement of the country and its vital infrastructure.”

But Sunak won’t have it all his own way, he can expect protests even as he vaguely tries to pretend to care about whether or not people are hungry.

“Some union leaders are planning to go on breathless rants on Radio 4 to show how heavy the opposition is,” the source notes. “This is to follow up their support of Brexit. The UK is world leading in the vibrancy and calibre of its political classes. Just look about you.”

LOVE OF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL: And it’s vital that The People are weaned off their addiction to cash. Tax rises and benefit cuts are for their own good. 

Factor in the increases in the price of food and fuel, and most of the British population will be going cold turkey. After all, who needs money? The government, after all, employs world beating experts on financial matters. They hoard all the dosh, on behalf of the rest of us. And it’s all for our own good. 

The foremost expert, naturally, has an enormous quantity of money, but this merely qualifies him to tell us how unimportant it is. 

“Money solves nothing,” announced the millionaire, Rishi Sunak, during his pre-budget pre-leak pre-speech. “OK, so it helps to keep a roof over your head, and food on the table, and other such luxuries. It’s time that the British people learned to find new ways to survive. After all, our distant ancestors didn’t have money, and they survived! Just about.” 

Making life unnecessarily difficult for millions of people is simply doing them a favour. 

“Like many other people, I get bored easily,” Sunak explained. “Money doesn’t help, to be honest. It’s like a test, to see if you can negotiate a set of hurdles. It’s like teaching a lab rat to dance a polka, and rewarding them with food. It’s good to have a challenge!” 

If that’s so, then how come it doesn’t apply to a millionaire who is married to a billionaire? 

“I have a hobby!” said Sunak. “It occupies a great deal of my time. I would recommend everyone to get a hobby, once they have worked out how to survive and thrive with absolutely no resources!” 

And what is this hobby of yours? 

“Raising taxes and cutting benefits!” he said. “It keeps me nicely busy.”

And presumably working out how to stop Russian funds ever reaching anyone who might actually need them.