Environment secretary Michael Gove has approved a wholesale cull of Remain voters ahead of the UK’s exit from the European Union next March.
Speaking to reporters Mr Gove confirmed that randomly selected Brexit supporters will be given a day’s training and then equipped with automatic assault rifles and allocated majority remain voting areas to clear of “Remoaners”.
Responding to criticism that the cull was cruel and unnecessary, Gove was adamant that it was not only necessary but would eventually, over the long term, prove highly beneficial.
“Removing this septic pool of dissent is the only way to prevent these toxic ideas from spreading and infecting the freedom loving Brexit community, spoiling their joy at finally ‘taking back control’ from Brussels,” he explained sternly, fingering a pearl handled mini Uzi, he had just withdrawn from his enormous sporran, fashioned – according to centuries old tradition – from the skin of a recently eviscerated badger.
“True, reducing the UK population will leave us short of doctors, nurses, and other essential professions, but for those who survive the absence of health and social services, there will be the benefit of reduced house prices – which rest assured will eventually bounce back,” he added smiling.
A spokesman for Better Together confirmed that as with the currently ongoing Gove-approved BADGER HOLOCAUST, there is no scientific evidence to suggest that culling remain voters will prevent the spread of opposition to Brexit.
“The ability to weigh up the freely available evidence and think for yourself isn’t actually a disease, so culling those who do, doesn’t stop opposition spreading,” she explained, thrusting an arm full of clothes into a holdall and rushing out of the door.
Only to be felled by a waiting sniper and dragged by her hair to a nearby funeral pyre.
“You see,” snarled the grossly obese, gammon faced, but otherwise perfectly reasonable, gun wielding maniac, “My father and grandfather fought in world wars to protect my freedom of speech. And I’m not going to give that up easily.”