Boris Johnson has broken a vow of temporary silence, taken out of respect for resigning colleague David Davis, to say he now expects to be prime minister by Friday.
”Fibble fobble bamdanglelowstringachapabanjo!” Mr Johnson said, while lumbering about the pavements this morning in active wear.
”Stringfellow gosh! Bosh! RIP! Star spangled jock straps! What ho!” he added, which was interpreted as a farewell message of respect to David Davis.
It’s believed Boris expects to be prime minister by Friday as a result of high profile Tory party MPs publicly expressing support for the Maybot following Davis throwing in the towel.
”It will be best if he makes his leadership play sooner rather than later today,” Tory party insider, Ms Pure Evil, told LCD Views on the condition of anonymity.
To respect that request we have used an actor to voice the rest of her statement.
”Boris has to move swiftly. The greater the clear and obvious nature of Brexit becomes, the less his chance of grabbing the top job. He needs to set aside thoughts of party and think about what’s in his own best interests. That’s my advice right now. What does change at DExEU mean for you Boris? Forget the country. You already have.”
If Mr Johnson manages to find space in the back of Ms May and plunge in that knife he’s held quivering just over her vertebrae for so long, it will mean he will be hosting Donald Trump during his hide ‘n seek tour of Britain.
”Johnson being US slang for a cock, and I don’t mean a male chicken, it would be more fitting if he were prime minister when Trump arrives,” the insider added, “that way we’ll have a pair of Johnsons on display together, hitting their balls about on one of Trump’s alleged mafia money laundering golf courses and everyone will just feel better.”
Your country needs you to get a move on Boris, just not necessarily in the same direction you want to go.