UK prime minister has informed Football’s international governing body FIFA that she expects England to be awarded the world cup, whether or not they manage to progress through the knockout stages and win the final.
May rounded on FIFA executives Friday after they warned her that her government’s intransigence over the question of just who qualifies to play for Ireland and Northern Ireland was jeopardising the future of talks over England’s continued membership of the Geneva based footballing cartel.
“World Cup means world cup. The English people have spoken, and what they’ve said is that they want to win, and now that Germany has been eliminated, and we’ve beaten Belgium to second place in the group we don’t see why we should have to kick any more balls when we should just be celebrating,” she said claiming that by failing to accede to their wishes was putting lives at risk.
“Thousands of gammon faced English patriots with unfeasibly large bellies have spent everything they have to watch a victorious England team parade the cup around Moscow. Unless FIFA agrees to show more flexibility you will be risking both their lives and the lives of innocent bystanders swept up in a drunken orgy of violence, profanity and public urination,” she warned,.
FIFA spokesman, and former head of the Scottish FA, Abe McAbe warned that a “huge and serious” gap continues to exist between England and the other 211 member associations, none of whom agrees with May’s position, that England should be given what they want now, just because they happen to want it.
“Frankly, just because a bunch of fat red faced old twats get drunk and sing “two world wars and one world cup, doo-dah”, doesn’t entitle you to win the world cup again,” he explained pointing out that there remained serious unanswered questions of how England managed to win the thing for the first time in 1966.
“Instead of just demanding the cup on a plate, Mrs May should go out and find herself a Russian linesman who can deliver it up for her…” he winked pointing out that with the UK about to crash out of the EU she wouldn’t have to wait long to repeat the immortal mantra of..
“They think it’s all over…. it is now…” he smirked.
However, a spokesman for the Russian FA, Vladimir Offsaydovitch denied that his organisation would have anything to do with match fixing, least of all to benefit England.
“Red shirts are not everything, and in any case the so called Russian linesman Tofiq Bahramov was actually from Azerbaijan, which is now an independent country, so why don’t you speak to their FA,” he said.
Commenting on the stand off, former UKIP donor and serial Russian embassy dinner guest L, Ron Bankovitch commented that Football was a game of two halves and that whatever the result looked like being at half time could easily be changed.
“After the right bets have been placed and , a call made to my good friend Vladimir, of course,” he winked, a cheeky grin playing around his grossly distended bank balance.