Master Bater, a chief Tory whip, was in an upbeat, if exhausted, mood today after successfully forcing enough potential Tory rebel MPs to cave by use of the Tory ultra violence, project fear film “JC4PM”.
“They crumble faced with just the outside chance of that old commie placard holder taking high office,” Master Bater told LCD Views during a tour of the ConHQ dungeon, “it’s not even really brainwashing, more just showing them what keeps them awake at night. Which is just as well, my palms are sore enough from the day to day work of slapping and beating members to keep them in line behind the old Maybot as it is.”
In the dungeon we were allowed to see many of the chief tools used by the whips.
“See this row of old cinema chairs here? And that screen set up over there. Mind the projector. Yes. Yes. Come around the front. Take a seat if you want.”
We declined the offer of a seat. The restraints on the arms looked like they could hold the strongest in situ.
“We put grievance Grieve in this seat. Captain Morgan in the one next to him. And a few others. Restraints at wrists, calves and foreheads. Force the eyelids open and just let the movie play.”
In the movie a Corbyn lookalike goes through the various duties of a modern British prime minister.
“The actor playing Corbyn followed May closely for a few weeks, to really learn what it takes to be the UK’s prime minister in the age of Brexit. You know, party before country, ideology before rationality, cynical appeals to various voting demographics, smooth and orderly choking off of economic viability, say xenophobic stuff about foreign workers. It doesn’t actually matter who is prime minister. The day to day activities will be the same. With the exception of course that Jeremy Corbyn as PM would raid the City of London’s coffers with McDonnell. But under May we’re content to let it all slowly flow away to EU27 countries without anyone really noticing. Rees-mogg will tell you how to set up in Dublin, just get him on the blower.”
How long does it take to force a rebel to cave in, faced with JC4PM?
“Dominic fell to his knees just seeing the chair and being told what we were going to show him. We still strapped him in for good measure. But about ten seconds normally does it,” Master Bater shrugged,
“except for Ken Clarke, we had him strapped down here for a week solid and he just laughed and laughed. He told us after serving under Thatcher there’s sod all we can put on the projector to cause him to buckle. His internal movies from the 80’s are more terrifying than any cinematic masterpiece we could knock out, whether it features a giant dildo or not.”