Forget Paul the Octopus. The Nostradamus of the 2018 World Cup is Nigel the Lizard.
Before each match, Nigel is offered a choice of two unmarked, sealed brown envelopes. Inside is a bung in the currency of the winning team.
So far, Nigel has acquired a large amount of Russian roubles – no surprise there. But he also gained plenty of Euros after France controversially beat Australia, which will be an asset when Nigel sets up home on the continent after Brexit.
Nigel wore a hat while dithering over Portugal v Spain, in which Cristiano Ronaldo scored three times. Each drawn game has seen Nigel simply take both envelopes.
Intrigued by Nigel’s success, LCD Views secured a brief interview with the soothsaying reptile himself.
What is your methodology, we asked.
“It’s very simple,” Nigel replied from his vivarium in Middle England. “I pick up both packages, and choose whichever seems heavier.”
How do you view England’s chances?
“Easy,” he replied. “We will be out as soon as possible!”
Run the rule over your predecessor, Paul the Octopus.
“Paul had his fingers in a lot of pies,” explained Nigel. “Having eight arms, as an octopus does, makes it quite easy to do that. He started off predicting Germany’s matches, then graduated to the World Cup. He picked the eventual winners, Spain, correctly. Unfortunately he was far too biased towards European teams for my liking.”
And your prediction for this year’s winners?
“Russia. No doubt about it!” he claimed. “They have paid for the tournament, and already fixed most of the matches. My friend Arron Banks has been instrumental in funding campaigns that concentrate on emotional responses, not facts, so that even Russia’s opponents support them. It would be so right that Russia wins on their own turf. In fact, the matches are no more than a charade, and an opportunity for me to make a bit of cash on the side.”
Russia will win the World Cup. You heard it here first. Just as they won the American presidency and the EU referendum.