First rule of Tory fight club is everyone talks about Tory fight club

The Prime Minister Theresa May has moved today to deal with the increasing problem of open in and out fighting within the cabinet.

“The first rule of Tory fight club is everyone talks about Tory fight club,” she laid down the first rule in front of the one or two reporters who can still be bothered to listen to her,

“and I want everyone in the Conservative cabinet, who isn’t currently publicly squabbling about how best to destroy the country in the service of asset strippers, to get themselves in front of a journalist and start hitting one of their colleagues in the face with a tightly bunched Tory fist.

It should stop people asking what Gove and Boris had to do with Cambridge Analytica and help out our colleagues at Labour by distracting people from pursuing that little transfer of voter info from the Labour party to Leave EU before the EUref.””

The move will be welcomed by nervous cabinet members, who may mistakenly believe the dirty laundry should be kept behind a door in a party utility room and washed privately.

“Pick a peer and smack them,” May added, “then go home and make some soap with the fat of the poor and have a wash underneath a portrait of Jacob Rees-mogg taking an uplifting moment in a food bank.”

The public reminder of the rule of the game was welcomed by the Labour Party.

“We are currently following the Conservative Party lead on Brexit, while appearing to be fence sitting,” Barry the Gardener told us, “clearly a lot of our younger members have moved from promoting party policies on social media to screaming like idiots at Labour MPs committing thought crime. They’ve even started petitions. Certain to be a vote winner in the face of people worrying about how trot we’re trotting.

You need us more than we need your vote.

That’s the slogan for our next general election campaign written already. We’re giving the older poets a rest this time and going in for modern verse.

The next time Chuka or Yvette says something fruity about not burning manufacturing and services in the United Kingdom to the ground I’m going after them.”

Suggestions that Labour and Conservative MPs might like to start fighting each other from a pro and remain standpoint would be in the public interest have been dismissed as not worth writing down.

“We’re going to keep whipping our party to enable Theresa May to bring about Lexit until she is deposed and Justine Greening installed as a pro-EU Tory MP pointing at Jeremy Brexit Corbyn and demanding a GE on the matter.

The first rule of Labour fight club is to only fight Labour in the fight club.”

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