A giant vault has been discovered underneath Westminster Palace which contains hundreds of spines believed to have been removed from the United Kingdom’s members of Parliament.
”Ever since Guy Fawkes attempted his little fireworks display we’ve been under orders to check all the accessible spaces under the palace several times a day,” a security insider told LCD Views.
It seems that during one such sweep yesterday a secret vault was discovered by accident that led to the fortitous discovery.
”I keep expecting to find that Victorian waxwork Rees-mogg down here with Farage and barrels of gunpowder,” the insider said, “but it was whilst chasing a rat that looked like Arron Banks chasing a much bigger rat that looked like a Russian man holding a bag containing thirty pieces of silver, that was when I found the vault.”
The security officer said he slipped rounding a corner and his torch flew from his hands.
”It landed pointing the light at a little handle at floor level I’ve never seen before.”
Unlike the grimy surrounds the handle was shiny and had clearly seen recent and frequent use.
”There was a bit of gore on it. Blood and skin and the like. All the skin was very yellow.”
Undeterred the officer turned the handle.
”There was a sound like a giant millstone grinding away and then the floor beneath me slid back and I toppled in to this vault.”
He went on to say he didn’t fall far.
”For a heartbeat I believed I was a goner. But I only fell a few feet before I found myself on top of a giant subterranean mountain of spines. Only spines. You know, backbones.”
The officer was able to climb out and run for help.
”I did attempt to take one with me, but it just turned to dust at the slightest pressure.”
Whether or not it will be able to match the spines to their former owners is anyone’s guess.
”I suspect the upcoming Commons votes will see dozens of MPs scrambling down here to find their backbone,” he added, “as they head for the division lobbies in the fearful knowledge that willingly pursuing an agenda that is going to break the United Kingdom, or not doing that, is a choice that reveals who has a spine and who has not.”