LOCAL MAN WINS BIG : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR A LOCAL WESTMINSTER MAN with the announcement that he has won the coveted “Dog Who Caught Car Award” for the third year running.
“No one else was even on the pitch,” an insider in the judging panel told LCD Views. “It’s not even a surprise anymore. He just runs after that 10 Downing Street car woofing like a mad dog and grabs it by the exhaust. Then looks confused. Baffled. Adjusts his glasses and decides to mostly do what the dog who caught the car before him did.”
The keen government car chaser wasn’t always in the running for the trophy.
“He was a non-starter for many years,” the insider comments. “He first showed up in the ranks of contenders in 2015 but seemed to have zero interest in chasing any car. He appeared to be focused solely on getting into the driver’s seat and taking the car in a new direction. No one spectating expected that once the car stopped for him and the driver’s door opened that he would suddenly go behind the vehicle and start furiously barking at it to move so he could give chase.”
But not everyone is impressed.
“I didn’t vote for him,” says every bloody UK resident with an energy, water or grocery bill. “Well I did vote for him because I thought he’d be a Prime Minister who would take on the profiteers that are ruining the country. Not a fucking metaphor for piss poor leadership by a clueless chump who should shuffle out of the way and let someone with an actual idea of what they want to do with power take over, instead of this clownshow of head up the arse idiots in Downing Street who are essentially rolling the red carpet out for fascism by thinking most people want them shouting at the sea rather than making the fundamental change needed to resurrect the fortunes of a country that should be so much better than it is, but is being governed by entitled prats who are just in it for themselves and to line their own pockets before pissing off to launch a podcast.”
We’re not entirely sure what they meant by that.