UPLIFTING : The UK Government has acted today to ensure all subjects of Charles III can view the Coronation as it happens, and the extravagant banquet which follows.
“There’s disturbing reports that some people may miss the Coronation action while queuing to fill their reusable plastic bags with free tins of no-brand crushed tomatoes,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Your government is committed to ensuring this does not happen.”
The action by Downing Street is described as “coordinated”, “front footed” and “patriotic”. It will see thousands of giant LCD screens forcibly installed inside the UK’s vast network of “food pantries”. The screens themselves have been leased by a recently incorporated, government linked private company and are definitely not “fire hazards”.
“Food banks will have to repay the cost of renting the screens,” the spokesman advises, “but they can easily do that by increasing the price they charge on donated wholemeal spaghetti. Or perhaps by organising street parties and leasing bunting to participants.”
But it’s not all love and handshakes.
“Anyone attempting to avert their eyes as hundreds of inheritance millionaires get stuck into the best French champagne and Continental delicacies will be punished,” the spokesman warns. “A national celebration of unearned wealth and privilege is what makes Great Britain stand out from its neighbours. If you’re not waving a little Union Flag as Charles gets a tonne of gold and jewels lowered onto his head you’re working to undermine Britain.”
Make sure to raise a toast to your King today. After all, he’s worked all his life to earn his privilege. And what else could lift the spirits of striking workers who can’t afford food? But knowing that their King is at a banquet.
“Anyone looking to undermine the monarchy on this day of days needs to have a hard look at themselves,” the spokesman added. “Why has Charles become King? He didn’t do it by complaining about irregular bin collections. Just think about it.”