IT’S LIKE MAKING SAUSAGES : The UK’s second last Prime Minister, for 2022, has made his latest pitch to lead the Tory Party again, and thus the United Kingdom.
“They need me more than I need them,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views. “Letting me lead the party again will be the easiest deal in history. Tory MPs can keep all the same benefits they have now, in terms of use of public funds and ease of access to titles. I mean, just lay back and think of the bungs. Do you know that if foreign interests lend you money, and they don’t have financial dealings in the UK, you don’t have to record it with parliament? It’s so much fun.”
But while some Tory MPs, who have performed lobotomies on themselves, are open to being led by the human equivalent of a crooked slot machine, some are not so enthusiastic.
“What has Boris ever done for us?” is the commonest response. “He couldn’t even fix the parliamentary standards system to let old Paterson off. What use is he? At least Rishi has shown his quality. He’s recovered 1% of Covid fraud, which is a little high, if you ask me, but he combs his hair. Daily. And now he’s going after the beggars! Which is nice. He can find the enemy within. And to continue to confuse the British public, while extracting the last of their wealth, we need someone who can speak in coherent sentences while we organise the voting laws to stay in power forever.”
But those who would write Boris off need to be aware that he has a killer play to make.
“Yes, he’s just recycling all the slogans Dom wrote for him. Like ‘Take Back Control’ and other nonsense, because he can’t actually think for himself, but that doesn’t mean that pre-loved tricks are useless. You just wait until he parks a big, red bus outside of Con HQ with the promise to give every MP £350m per week if they let him be PM again. The greedy buggers will be back at the trough before you know it.”
But what happens when the money fails to materialise?
“We’ll just blame the EU of course. And the last Labour government. It worked before.”
Bring Back Boris? As sensible a policy as bringing back syphilis.