ENJOYING YOUR SALAD DAYS: The UK’s reputation as an example to the world has gained another boost. The credit agency, Substandard & Very Poor Indeed, has upgraded the UK’s status to Tomato Republic.
LCD Views sought the reasoning behind the decision, by contacting a VIP from S&VPI. The VIP, Bob A. Jobb, was as keen as mustard.
“Normal countries are called, well, countries,” said Jobb. “Spain. Germany. Italy. Even France. But the UK is special! Lettuce go through the reasons why.”
Why?
“Cos,” he replied. “The average celery in the UK is depressed even by third world standards. So that means the UK must be a fourth world country!”
Fourth is higher than third, right? That’s good, isn’t it?
“Err, yes of course,” said Jobb. “Except that the score uses golf rules, and the lower the number the better. We wanted to call the UK a Gherkin Country, but the USA objected.”
Because nobody likes gherkins?
“No, Americans like them but Brits don’t,” said Jobb. “It means, the UK is in a pickle, but Brits prefer to pickle onions and eggs and walnuts and stuff like that.”
I’m beginning to ketchup now.
“So we decided to use the Tomato for symbolism,” said Jobb with relish. “Red, like British faces in the noonday sun, or when they look at just how successful their politics (sponsored by the IEA) have been.”
The agent’s comments chilled me to the marrow. It sounds like we are in Banana Republic territory.
“Yes, except that the UK has no bananas. Nor tomatoes, come to that.”
Yes, we have no bananas. That just about takes the biscuit.
“Right now, there is a black market – or should we say, a red market – in tomatoes in the UK,” claimed Jobb. “One man cashed in his considerable life savings to obtain a little tomato of his own. Really, you Brits, when the chips are down, you have a run on salad instead, you complete fruitcakes!”
Fun fact: if you place some scrambled egg on top of a ripe tomato, it looks just like Boris Johnson.