IT’S THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE : The UK Government is said to be feeling exceptionally pleased with itself today after it snuck through a new law banning colour televisions while everyone was distracted by waiting for the Sue Gray report.
The ban will be phased in over the next two years with the poorest households in the UK forced to exchange their colour televisions for black and white ones to really get a full feel for the “1970’s style inflation, recession and cost of living crisis” that Mr Johnson’s administration is overseeing.
The ban will move up the household wealth level steadily, although it will be capped at households with an average annual income of over £200,000. The cap is to help reinforce the work of Brexit in taking every day luxuries out of the grasp of middle to low income earners and making them once again the preserve of the rich.
“The Monochrome Law will ensure that just like champagne and tomatoes the little day to day signifiers of change and progress are abolished,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “It’s hard to overemphasise the pain individuals like Mr Johnson experienced growing up and seeing the undeserving classes experience the same inherent liberties as himself. Can you imagine being told you’re the special one all through your childhood only to find some common pleb wandering through the immigration gates at Brussels with freedom of movement just like yourself? It was very harmful. But we’re now putting everyone back in their places. The banning of colour tv is just the latest step backwards for Blighty!”
But internal Tory critics of the new law did force the government into one concession.
“There is a concern that the removal of colour from the lives of Red Wall voters could see some return to Labour. For this reason it will still be possible for people who chose the wrong accident of birth to rent a colour television overnight to watch national festivities such as the Festival of Brexit. These televisions will be available at affordable rates from approved dealers.”
The dealers will be expected to prove a pre-existing relationship with a Conservative MP to be granted licences to “temporarily rent” TV’s to “low food chain strivers” at competitive rates.
“Going backwards to go backwards,” the source adds, “that’s our reason to get up in the morning. Oh, and to lord it over the poor to make ourselves feel good. I’m personally looking forward to downstreaming the food riots on my colour LCD TV.”