Boris Johnson pledges to stay on as PM because “he can’t fail upwards any further”

REALLY DENSE CEILING : The United Kingdom’s highest profile underachiever, and also its Prime Minister, Boris de Waffle Johnson, has put paid to ramped up speculation that he and his latest wife will soon be moving out of the famous old address in the centre of London, before the marriage concludes in the same way as all of his other ones.

Speaking at the launch of his Chancellor’s newest montage of lockdown rule breaking party photos the Prime Minister got his big gnashers into the hot question on everyone’s lips, of whether or not he’ll soon just fuck off and leave us to start cleaning up his massive mess?

“To where?” he asked, displaying an incisive mind undimmed by the rigours of office. “I’m already playing the part of the ageing hero who takes a princess as wife to recharge the old batteries. What else is there for me to do? If you can think of somewhere I could go then let me know. I am fresh out of ideas. I’ve spent my entire career failing upwards and it seems I’ve hit the ceiling. I’ll have to stay on as PM unless a way can be found to get me into the line of succession to the throne. I’d be absolutely chuffed to fail as King.”

The suggestion that he could leave 10 Downing Street to someone who both “gives two shits” and is capable of producing “one or both of them” will though put sudden and unexpected pressure on the Palace.

“The Queen is just waiting him out,” an unconfirmed Palace spokesman told LCD Views. “Those fortnightly meetings are appalling. If shoving Charles back a step means Johnson might leave 10 Downing Street then it’s worth looking into. Wouldn’t you say? But only if she doesn’t have to adopt him.”

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