TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR HUMAN RIGHTS: Home Secretary Priti Patel is thinking about the best way to uncouple human rights from the wicked EU. The European Convention on Human Rights must be abandoned, simply because it contains the word ‘European’.
In its place, she is proposing a points based human rights system. The more points you get, the more human rights you are entitled to.
Points will be awarded, or deducted, according to criteria drawn up by Patel herself. The whole system will, of course, be means tested.
“It’s only fair,” said Patel minion Ozzie Rules. “People without sufficient means will not be entitled to claim rights, you don’t get something for nothing round here!”
Rules disclosed that points could be earned on the basis of income, history of right wing activism, and level of donations to the Conservative Party. Conversely, points would be lost for regional accents, having brown skin, and undisguised intellectual and cognitive ability.
“This is all part of our levelling up strategy,” boasted Rules. “Rights must be earned, not assumed. Britain has been a soft touch for too long. You cannot simply enter British waters and expect to be treated as a human. The same applies if you’re from The North, which means outside the M25. There will be exceptions, for example if you fall into the ‘Rich as Rishi’ bracket.”
There is a special category for EU nationals living in the UK. They will automatically accrue minus infinity human rights points, meaning they may be herded on to flimsy boats and pushed out to sea by Border Force officials.
The right to work for a decent wage may be earned. Official estimates show that only 60 years of unpaid work may be needed. Extra points may be earned by doffing your cap to your liege lord.
Resistance is feudal! I mean, futile!