BREAKING BORIS JOHNSON : The UK’s outgoing Prime Minister, Alexander Boris de Man of the Pfeffel Johnson, has given a candid and entirely invented interview in which he opened up about his job.
“All my life I’ve focused on my career and neglected my family,” he told a sympathetic reporter. “This has led to me accumulating many families and a very successful career. Moving on each time after creating a disaster. It’s been a hoot. But where to now?”
Where to now is a good question as it is clear the men in grey suits will soon be inviting the shambolic god of kakistocracy to depart the famous Downing Street address.
“You know they’ll put some smiling assassin in after me?” Mr Johnson asked. “Someone like Hunt. He will present himself as a measured and stable hand come to rebuild after the chaos of me has been discarded. To be fair that is probably what is required to complete the liquidation of the assets of ordinary hard working British men and women. The US private health interests are impatient.”
But what about Mr Johnson himself? Could he not take up bricklaying or painting like his idol Winston Churchill? Maybe pen a giant, multi-volume history of the British people?
“I’ll pretend to do some of that for photoshoots, but mostly I’ll just get hammered and chase tail,” the PM confessed.
“To be fair I never wanted this job to begin with,” he added, “I never wanted to be Prime Minister. I wanted to be World King. I appear to have over estimated the UK’s importance and then reduced it significantly. I think I gave up the wrong passport! Ha!”
Will he be having a leaving party? Perhaps some drinks?
“Yes. But only after I’ve banned the plebs from doing it on pain of £10,000 fines. It maybe my last act of government.”