INVESTING IN THE GRASS ROOTS: Building Back Better is going to need a lot of concrete. Luckily we now know that it grows on trees, so plenty of money will be spaffed on sympathetic concrete farmers.
Crime Minister Boris Johnson hopes this will boost his green credentials. “Sand, Cement, Stone!” is his latest pathetic three word slogan.
“Britain will become self sufficient in concrete!” Johnson announced proudly at the COP26 summit. “Much of the UK will be given over to growing the raw materials of the future! It is the ultimate renewable substance! In your face, Greta Thunberg! Wiff waff!”
This shock announcement left his audience gasping. Johnson’s supporters, including chief propagandist Cora Lunesberg, reached a state of spontaneous rapture. The rest of the unenlightened, probably foreign and stuck in boring reality, couldn’t believe their ears.
“This plant, which has only recently been discovered, only exists because we left the EU!” Johnson wibbled. “Yes! No! Yes! Well well well well yes! It’s called… erm erm erm… wiff waff… oh sod it, I’ll make something up… Michaelis Grahamii! It thrives on hot air and bullshit!”
Gleeful reporters for all the major UK newspapers, in other words the ones who are paid by the same people who bought Boris, churned out thousands of triumphant headlines.
“But we must all take responsibility – I think that’s what it’s called – for climate change,” Johnson continued, acting sombre. “If nothing is done, there will be shortages of food and water, just like in the UK! So follow my lead and do nothing! Let the bodies pile high in their thousands, and then be fed to wild animals! Wiff waff!”
The British continent melted out of pure joy. Everyone else left the room, and made sure to lock the door behind them.
At last. Brexit Britain finally has a concrete proposal.