Chancellor to introduce “pay per poo” scheme in budget to fund sewer update

NO SHIT SHERLOCK: The sewage crisis is to be tackled in the forthcoming budget. With no obvious way of diverting available funds into private pockets, the only available option is a “turd tax”. 

Chancellor Rishi Sunak will announce this latest measure to monetise basic human functions. It’s a simple way to allow well connected “effluent extraction experts”, or piss-takers, to get rich quick. 

The polluter pays. This is going to the source of the problem, the individual waste producer, claims the Treasury. Basically the more you poo, the more you pay. 

“It’s only like having a metered water supply,” claimed Treasury drone Penny Spender. “Anyone wishing to open their bowels must be prepared to pay for their discharge to be dealt with.” 

Spender revealed that this would work on the same principle as the Oyster card. Every time you pay a visit to the smallest room in future, you will have to tap in and tap out. 

“We call this Wipe & Swipe,” said Spender. “The longer you sit, the more you pay. It’s only fair. This will also cut down on people paying repeated trips to the lavatory during working hours. Employers will no longer be obliged to subsidise their employees’ bowel habits.” 

What do you say to people already struggling to survive on minimum wage, with UC cuts and NI rises? 

“Everyone must be treated the same,” said Spender. “In fact, poor people should pay more, because their waste is of lower quality than other people’s. There will be plenty of incentives for people to go when the system is less busy. Nappy Hour will be 1am until 2am, for example. People can earn Potty Points towards Free Flush Fridays. You will be able to buy an inch of sewer, and visit it whenever you like!”

And will the revenue be spent on improving water treatment? Or is it just another steaming pile of bullshit? 

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