ONE MAN AND HIS BURGER VAN: This festive season will see an unexpected Brexit bonus. The traditional German Markets, which sell such unpatriotic delicacies as glühwein and bratwurst, will instead be superceded by Great British Markets.
This year will see the rebirth of the Great British Christmas. All European influences will be excised and replaced with the naturally superior British traditions.
So instead of German Markets, with their anti-democratic bright colours and vibrant flavours, there will be British Markets in glorious monochrome.
But what will they be selling? Burgers are out, because they originate in Hamburg. Bacon sandwiches would have been available, before all the British pigs were slaughtered and incinerated because of the lack of British slaughtermen.
Fish and chips would be an obvious choice. Unfortunately, the Great British fishing industry has been killed off, and nasty European cod and haddock have been banned.
But even if the only truly British food on offer is a stale, crusty cheese and onion roll derived from 1970s bar snacks, nationalistic pride alone will provide a warm glow.
Gluhwein, mulled wine, hot chocolate and other likewise European monstrosities will, thankfully, be banished forever. Instead there will be weak tea and keg bitter, made with e-coli-enriched British water.
Christmas trees are of course German, so don’t expect one of those. Instead, bring last year’s holly wreath, and partner it with the ivy reclaiming derelict city centre buildings.
We must also consider whether it is right to celebrate the birth of a man born over 2,000 years ago, bearing in mind that he was a migrant born to a single mother seeking asylum in a cowshed. Instead we should commemorate a British Messiah, and celebrate Borismas or Faragemas.
Ultimately the idle British working man shouldn’t waste a precious day just because it’s December 25th. Humbug, bah humbug!
Who needs fun anyway, when you’ve got sovereignty?