BULLY FOR YOU: The task of sweet talkin’ EU lorry drivers into sortin’ the UK’s problems out has fallen to Priti Patel. The offensively charmless Ms Patel will attack the problem with her usual grace and tact.
Patel will first of all deny that she ever gloried in the title of Send Them All Back Home Secretary. She is then expected to draw up a stringent list of terms and conditions, before promising Christmas on Ascension Island.
Home Office insider Kat O’Ninetails was able to fill in a bit of the detail.
“Even though we need these foreigners to deal with their mess, we still hold the whip hand,” said O’Ninetails threateningly. “They should feel obliged to come back. After all, they disappeared just when we needed them, it’s the height of irresponsibility!”
I see that 27 drivers have signed up so far. That’s not very encouraging.
“This is why we are goin’ on a recruitment drive!” snarled O’Ninetails. “The Glory of England should be sufficient motivation in itself, but obviously we will need to supply greater incentives. We will soon whip them into shape!”
So the charm offensive begins. How are you goin’ to charm them?
“Oh, we can be charmin’, believe me,” growled O’Ninetails, putting on a knuckleduster. “Firstly, and most importantly, do the filthy foreign traitors want to see English children starve? That’s the message we are puttin’ out across Europe right now.
“Secondly, as we said, we are offering a free holiday on Ascension Island for all the garlic munchers who come back and beg for mercy.
“Finally, if these measures don’t work, then it’s no more Mr Nice Guy, and we simply press gang them. The Army is on standby.”
The hostile environment won’t be a barrier? Or border controls?
“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not supposed to work, it’s only to make us look tough!”
Nutshell.