THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWING IN THE WIND: A solution has been found to the energy crisis. Clever boffins have found a powerful and infinitely renewable source of hot air.
The answer is to install a wind turbine in the House of Commons. The infinite amount of wind produced by the 600 odd windbags is estimated to be sufficient to power the entire UK.
Those reliant upon gas have not been forgotten. A large biomass converter has also been installed. This will generate enormous quantities of natural gas, using the endless supply of bullshit.
“I’ve done the sums, it will definitely work,” confirmed energy analyst Jenna Rater. “In fact, just a single speech by Boris Johnson is likely to be enough to power the whole of London for a month!”
In fact, the figures suggest that the UK will produce a surplus of power, which could then be sold to the continent.
“That’s a good idea in principle,” agreed Rater. “Unfortunately, when we left the EU, some patriotic joker booby trapped the cross-Channel electricity cable, causing it to blow up when anyone dared to use it.”
What will we do with the surplus power, then?
“Beam it direct to Australia, according to the Ministry of Making Up Simplistic Solutions On The Spot,” said Rater. “Of course, this is deeply impractical and relies upon technology that doesn’t exist. But bless them for trying!”
One advantage must be that, with all this unlimited supply, prices will come down.
“Are you joking?” exclaimed Rater. “Far from it! Indeed, all households will be obliged to run all their appliances all the time just to stop the system blowing up. But it’s Great British World Beating Levelling Up power, so we just have to suck it up.”
Power to the people! And we will all pay through the nose for it.