JOHN BULL WALKS HERE : DOWNING STREET have taken a decisive step today to help everyone forget about the looming cut to Universal Credit, and the natural increase in food bank use, by announcing a renewal of national symbols.
But the geniuses driving the United Kingdom forward at breakneck speed aren’t talking about polishing brass necks on old statues this time. This time it’s putting the Union Flag visibly in front of everyone. This will deal a death blow to the various separatist movements currently building up a “baffling head of steam” under King Boris.
“We’re starting with pedestrian crossings,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “Just imagine the shame and humiliation of your walk of shame home, after your first food bank visit, being transformed into an inflated sense of national worth as you see the red, white and blue painted on the road before you?”
The decision to paint the UK’s forty seven million zebra crossings will also be a huge boost to the domestic paint manufacturing industry. Additionally it will provide much need additional work for people about to lose £20 a week off the food budget, while already working several jobs.
The are further plans to hang Union Flag bunting between every single lamp post and telephone pole in the country to ensure that “Everyone knows they are British regardless of the empty supermarket shelves. Everyone except people Priti Patel decides isn’t”.
It’s rumoured the country’s zoos will be engaged to provide mascots for the revealing of each new “nationally energised, British crosswalk”. The hope being live zebras will be dyed red, white and blue and stationed at crossings to get “even the gloomiest naysayer excited about being British”.
Concerns about having people symbolically walk all over the flag have been dismissed by asking those furrowed brows to think about “every single action taken already by the Prime Minister and his cabinet”.