LEAVE ORFF : Many have wondered since the EURef what the hell the Queen is for? Apart from postage stamps and cash. As the hard right ToryKippers lay waste to democratic standards and asset strip the UK, isn’t the Sovereign supposed to step in and restore order? Well the wondering is over.
A press release from The Palace this evening says the Queen has “had a gut full” and is going to “get involved.”
“Her Majesty will be effecting a mockney accent henceforth,” a well buttoned up spokesman revealed. “It is in the express hope that the United Kingdom will stop electing complete and utter planks to run it.”
The decision to change from RP is thought to lie in the ability of idiots with posh voices to fool the general public into thinking they know best. Clearly, they don’t.
“Just think about it, right?” the spokesman implored. “Last year, yeah, old Boris was going to save Christmas. He was going to save it from Covid. Which in itself was bloody obvious was not going to work, given he couldn’t be arsed to stop the virus in the first place. Then tens of thousands of honest citizens perished. FFS. But his accent means he’s still PM. Leave orff. Get in the sea Boris!”
It’s rumoured Her Maj has had some expert help to change her patter.
“She’s hired Jamie Oliver. He’s the most famous mockney going. He’ll sort her out. She’ll be sounding like a fish wife in no time.”
To begin with the Queen will memorise and use a set list of phrases. The pick of which is “That David Cameron? What a TWAT! He calls it on and then buggers off. He’s off in Nice with his trotters up!”
It’s hoped that by associating herself with barely understandable, common accents the Queen will convince the general population that a posh accent is no guarantee of competence.
“It’s worth a shot,” the spokesman added, “before we’re all brown bread. What she really wants to do is kick old Boris right in the Alberts.”