LOVE THE CRIMINAL, HATE THE CRIME: Hopeless hapless Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab has been rushed to hospital with burned ears. What’s left of the NHS has patched him up and sent him packing.
Why were his ears burning? Not because lots of people have been talking about him. No, the natural heir to the great Chris Grayling has been getting in on the act, and attempting to use a burner phone.
“Everyone is doing it,” bleated a defeated Raab, a wreath of smoke still gently rising from his lugs. “All the other ministers have a burner phone, so I thought I would come to the party, so to speak.”
You’re on fire now, Dom.
“No, just smouldering gently,” he said. “I don’t know what went wrong. I followed the instructions to the letter. I procured an ancient Motorola handset, and used Govey’s blowtorch to ignite it, and here we are!”
No smoke without fire.
“I just don’t know where I went wrong,” he despaired. “My ears have been really badly singed! It’s a good job I was bald already!”
You’ve been badly burned.
“What I don’t get,” he whimpered plaintively, “is how old Jimmy Bethel isn’t scorched all over like me!”
Lord Bethel is only the latest miscreant to mysteriously change his phone as soon as the courts decide they need to see it. Unlike Raab, he clearly knows what a burner phone is. And he doesn’t want to get his fingers burned.
Meanwhile the It’s All Greek To Me Office has moved quickly to ensure that The Boss is kept away from all kinds of telephone. And computers. And televisions. And the office. Just to be on the safe side.
Unconfirmed rumours from the impeccable Downing Street source suggest that Raab has been trying to send smoke signals, using candles. Unconfirmed unconfirmed rumours suggest that he has merely succeeded in burning off his ear hair.