GUTTED : A nation of shopkeepers is in mourning today after a famous Uxbridge chip shop was burnt to the ground after being set ablaze by an idiot.
“Something’s Fishy has been serving the local community of Uxbridge for over 40 years,” our correspondent reports. “But all that came to a fiery end yesterday after it was set ablaze by an idiot described as blonde and shambling.”
It’s believed the man fled the scene of disaster on a large red bus “driven by a gap toothed lunatic in a Union Flag patterned suit” who may or may not be a serving cabinet minister. Or maybe soon.
It’s believed the blonde idiot himself talked his way into the shop after dressing as a chippie by saying he was “looking to make himself more approachable” and fancied “getting his fingers fishy”.
It’s believed the experience was actually going quite well for all involved until the blonde idiot noticed the owner of the chip shop’s younger sister was in a “small office area to the rear”. She is said to have been wearing a shirt skirt with a “loose fitting blouse” and her “long blonde hair tied up in a way that reminded the idiot of a party at a mansion in Italy”.
This is when the accident occurred as the blonde man took off his apron and threw it onto the fat fryer, along with “pretty much the entirety of the UK’s trade with continental Europe”.
The blaze was instantaneous. The blonde idiot and his handlers fled the scene immediately, apparently tossing fifty pounds notes over their shoulders while “cackling like hyenas”.
Police advised anyone sighting a man fitting the description of a “blonde idiot” not to approach him and warn he “could be dressed as anything. He is a very elaborate hoaxer. Best to keep well clear and phone the relevant authorities.”
The local MP is said to be considering organising a clap for the shop’s owners if “he can be bothered”.