HOME IS WHERE THE HEART WAS : HOME SECRETARY Priti Patel has moved today to quell concerns that any Brexit (YES THAT MEANS ANY LEXIT TOO) is only going to make life worse for people who aren’t wealthy.
“The British people need to stop immigration,” the former disgraced Secretary of State for International Development told an audience of rabidly xenophobic geriatrics, “and that means stopping British people moving homes too. Stopping them easily meeting people from other places. You can’t create a siege mentality regarding Europe if you let people easily move around it. We’re here to help with that.”
But just in case anyone was concerned this was a one size fits all policy, Ms Patel had reassurance.
“I wonder if anyone has done a study of the amount of Brexit supporting millionaires who’ve now purchased a burgundy passport from one of the EU’s smaller member states?” Ms Patel smiled warmly, the very essence of the milk of human kindness,
“indeed, given that the Lexit leaders are also multi-millionaires, have they ensured their freedom of movement too? Even as their political efforts will strip the jobs of an as yet uncounted number of the people they say they defend? All to satisfy a sense of grievance that Brexit will only exacerbate longer term. But you’ve taken back control from Westminster! Haven’t you left behind Britons! You’ve taken back control from those who couldn’t care less about you by doing exactly what they want. How does that feel? I have the control now. You won’t be getting away from the collectivised farm comrades by going to Germany for work this time!”
Here Ms Patel paused to stare into the middle distance and imagine everyone in Britain walled up in their own home. Now and then released to work in a zero hours, gig economy job, while the bank accounts of the bosses swell. Because they deserve it.
“We will take that freedom to move away from all 65m+ Britons, excepting the ones wealthy enough to continue to enjoy it,” she reiterated, “this is the will of the people. To stay home. To keep their children at home. To watch across the channel as an entire continent continues to enjoy it. But not Global Britons. Oh no. Not unless they can afford it.”
No one can have a problem with that. Not even someone seeking Lexit.
“Brexit will level the playing field. And then peasants, then you will till it. Well, not the people in this audience clearly. The poorer ones who just marginally voted for it in a criminally corrupted opinion poll held years ago now.”
What will you give up to make a success of Brexit? A lot more than anyone else on the continent of Europe, that’s for sure.