An NHS trust hospital in Basildon was facing special measures today after reports surfaced of clinicians routinely licking their fingers during surgery.
A nurse working in the day surgery outpatient unit turned whistleblower after complaints to senior management at the hospital left her feeling bloated with worry and curiously unfulfilled.
”I feel the management haven’t treated my complaints about the falling hygiene standards since the new delivery company took over seriously,” Nurse Hot Wings told LCD Views in an exclusive, “in fact all worries over what’s going on with routine, breast, thigh and leg operations appear to be locked in a safe and guarded with total secrecy. I personally made it known about eleven different instances, mostly involving the use of various herbs and spices during surgery. The surgeons should have been using gauze and tweezers.”
But Nurse Hot finally had a gut full when she witnessed a recently retired army colonel, now employed at the hospital, break all established rules of cleanliness during an operation to repair a broken femur.
”I shouldn’t name names, but I will,” she continued, “as this is just too serious. This new registrar, a Doctor Sanders, who claims to have served in the military, but I haven’t seen any proof of that, he started licking his fingers while operating to repair a shattered femur by bolting it down with a freshly fried chicken leg.”
Nurse Hot said she attempted to intervene but she couldn’t understand what Colonel Sanders said.
”Something about the surgical tools having become finger licking good! There wasn’t much more I could do, he’s senior, so I took the bargain bucket off the tray of surgical implements and made my way to the nearest park.”
And what did you do next?
”I finished off the bucket. It was the only way I could be sure the chicken wouldn’t end up entering some unfortunate’s abdominal cavity the wrong way.”
Reports that a KFC in the town is now offering a special offer wherein you can get routine surgical procedures in the restaurant with any purchase of a zinger burger are yet to be investigated, but we have a feeling it’s no coincidence.