GHOSTED BY ET : GREAT NEWS TODAY WITH THE CONFIRMATION THAT ADVANCED AND INTELLIGENT LIFE EXISTS WITHIN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.
For decades clueless boffins have been speculating that really, really clever alien life exists out in space but it’s so far away we can never hope to communicate with it (before we blow ourselves up). They were wrong. Which is no surprise to anyone who still has an account on X, many of whom claim to talk to aliens frequently.
“So much for experts hey?” Mr Riotus Disschar-je 3rd, a newly appointed member of the current USA administration, told LCD Views. “Just think if I hadn’t given RFK jnr. that complimentary carob and oatmeal enema to cure his laryngitis I would never have been appointed Special Envoy to Spacemen and who would have suffered? You. That’s who.”
While we quickly lost confidence anything sensible would be gained by talking to Mr Disschar-je, we did accept the complimentary do-it-yourself arthritis cure before exiting quickly.
Next we decided to use an LLM to scrape the interview with the actual scientist who made the discovery and reproduce it here without acknowledgement.
“They did talk to Earth’s leadership a lot in the 1950’s,” ScrapeFace 7 bot confidentially asserted. “After the horrors of WW2 and the formation of the United Nations a council of alien civilisations decided to come to Earth and assess our readiness to “come out” into the community existing in outer space.”
But why didn’t we all find out at the time?
“It seems a recent ancestor of Pete Hesgeth was able to convince the aliens to take him for a joy ride and then took violent control of the dish shaped craft and crashed it into a forest. The resulting blame game convinced the aliens we were not ready and they left.”
But they’ve been checking in on us regularly?
“Constantly. But the last time they checked we’d let the dumbest in the herd run the world’s most powerful country and they’ve basically blocked our number for another century. Which is a shame because we’ll never get to study the impact of spreading conspiracy theories via social media on their civilisations.”
We did approach the alien community for comment but as yet none has been received. Bastards.