Category: This Burning Ball

ORGAN GRINDER’S MONKEY : Great news today for citizens of the USA with the announcement that their President is completely relaxed by Russian plans to drop a nuclear bomb on Washington D.C.

Earlier today the CIA revelaed it had uncovered “advanced” plans by the Kremlin to respond to Trump’s war with Iran by dropping a nuke on The White House. It seems Russian President Vladimir Putin is so upset by his employee of the month grabbing all the headlines that he’s got to show him “who’s the daddy.”

“President Trump believes that Mr Putin will be doing him a favour if he vaporises Washington,” a White House insider told LCD Views. “Oh and do you want to buy a hat? Or a pen? Or a watch? We’re bringing back Trump steaks too. Hang on. I think there’s one here somewhere. They’re selling so fast we can’t keep up. You can pay in crypto too. But you have to send it to an account overseas. For national security reasons. What were we talking about?”

The reasons for Mr Trump’s nonchalance in the face of the imminent destruction of the capital of the USA are perfectly understandable and extensive.

“Well you can forget about the Epstein Files if Vlad nukes Washington. It’ll also save Mr Trump the trouble of destroying the rest of The White House himself. Nice fresh level ground to start on, assuming the crater isn’t too big. And if it is we’ll just use it to house illegals. There’s really no downside. It is not treason if Mr Trump gives Putin the targeting details either. It’s just statesmanship.”

The exact timing of the detenation is the only concern.

“Well the corruption in the Russian military is really something to be impressed by. Star in a crowded field. So it’s possible some of the components of the bomb maybe out of date or replaced by an old fashioned alarm clock. But if they throw it at the ground hard enough it should go off.”

Happily too there’s no concerns over Mr Trump’s personal safety.

“He told me himself, it’s not a problem, he lives in Florida.”

GHOSTED BY ET : GREAT NEWS TODAY WITH THE CONFIRMATION THAT ADVANCED AND INTELLIGENT LIFE EXISTS WITHIN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM.

For decades clueless boffins have been speculating that really, really clever alien life exists out in space but it’s so far away we can never hope to communicate with it (before we blow ourselves up). They were wrong. Which is no surprise to anyone who still has an account on X, many of whom claim to talk to aliens frequently.

“So much for experts hey?” Mr Riotus Disschar-je 3rd, a newly appointed member of the current USA administration, told LCD Views. “Just think if I hadn’t given RFK jnr. that complimentary carob and oatmeal enema to cure his laryngitis I would never have been appointed Special Envoy to Spacemen and who would have suffered? You. That’s who.”

While we quickly lost confidence anything sensible would be gained by talking to Mr Disschar-je, we did accept the complimentary do-it-yourself arthritis cure before exiting quickly.

Next we decided to use an LLM to scrape the interview with the actual scientist who made the discovery and reproduce it here without acknowledgement.

“They did talk to Earth’s leadership a lot in the 1950’s,” ScrapeFace 7 bot confidentially asserted. “After the horrors of WW2 and the formation of the United Nations a council of alien civilisations decided to come to Earth and assess our readiness to “come out” into the community existing in outer space.”

But why didn’t we all find out at the time?

“It seems a recent ancestor of Pete Hesgeth was able to convince the aliens to take him for a joy ride and then took violent control of the dish shaped craft and crashed it into a forest. The resulting blame game convinced the aliens we were not ready and they left.”

But they’ve been checking in on us regularly?

“Constantly. But the last time they checked we’d let the dumbest in the herd run the world’s most powerful country and they’ve basically blocked our number for another century. Which is a shame because we’ll never get to study the impact of spreading conspiracy theories via social media on their civilisations.”

We did approach the alien community for comment but as yet none has been received. Bastards.

A VERY STABLE GENIUS : THE USA IS SHOWING IT’S LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES by starting World War Three.

There were concerns in some quarters that the world’s fastest waining superpower had failed to learn the lessons of the first two world wars. Most noticeably by insisting on an international rules based order post the cataclysms of the first two world wars last century, and only since starting wars in countries it believed unlikely to trigger another global apocalypse. But the doubters have been proven wrong. Again.

“He’s got the greatest numbers,” a White House insider told LCD Views. “No one has ever seen numbers like President Trump. Most people can’t start even one war. Mr Trump is showing them how it’s done. He tried blowing up fishing boats in The Caribbean but that didn’t work, so he’s gone and blown up one of The Middle East’s most insane governments. It’s genius.”

The decision to start dropping bombs on Iranian school girls in the expectation their families would demand their zealous government do whatever Mr Trump wants is so far proving hugely popular in one country especially.

“What an intellectual titan,” the insider gushed. “Most people couldn’t have figured out a way to help the Russian government in its fiscal difficulties, but blow up Iran and cause global oil prices to surge? And everyone be so distracted by the drunken frat boy he’s put in charge of the military? I mean. Come on! Would you have done it? USA! USA! USA!”

The masterclass in international power politics has also helped to quieten down speculation amongst losers that they just had to wait out Mr Trump’s second term and America would change back to its former self.

“Who cares? I mean seriously. Do you know how much money the Trump family is raking in right now? The softserve wannabes that have led America through earlier world wars didn’t make a dime from it. Because they were late. But Mr Trump is first. America is first now. And that’s the way to cash in on the broken bodies of the innocents who didn’t vote for him anyway.”

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : The final President of the USA has issued an executive order overnight renaming the republic Trumperica.

The decision to rechristen the leader of the free world is believed to have been taken after the consumption of “more than the usual diet cokes with too many hamburgers”. It’s believed the Commander in Chief of forced repatriation developed a “meat sweat” and was pushed over the edge by a former exploding battery manufacturer high on prescribed medication.

”It’s how we roll now,” a White House insider told LCD Views, “and before we’re done there will be nothing that isn’t called Trump.”

Democrats in Washington have been tightlipped about the change, preferring to console themselves with the thought they can reverse the change in four years time. Maybe. Rather than break with convention and oppose a republican administration “overly much”.

For their part Mr Trump’s republican lapdogs have sat nicely and issued numerous social media messages which translate as “Woof! Woof!”.

”It’s a Great Leap Forward,” one said off the record. “When I get my turn to be President I can rename the country after myself too. I think it’s what our forefathers would have wanted. Alongside school shootings and the fetishisation of deporting anyone who is the wrong colour.”

It’s not clear how global mapmakers will greet the name change however, with many already struggling to draw anything but a black hole where the former USA is located.

”At least it’s accurate,” one commented, “The country is now a fascist theme park so Trumperica is a good name. I don’t think I could have digested something new like The Democratic Republic of North America and Canada. The blatant hypocrisy would have been a goose step too far.”

A SPECIAL LITTLE ISLAND : The now world famous residents of Grappledeath are to take their spectacular Covid-19 denial dance act on the road!

Starting this week the street will, by invitation, perform classic British dances in a variety of locations. The first show will be outside the doors of 10 Downing Street.

It is believed the Prime Minister himself will watch the show from the special refrigerated window over the main door to the home of prime ministers from when they knew what they were doing, till now.

“Ring a ring o’ roses is to be our hit piece,” a representative of the pluckiest street in Britain told LCD Views, “and ‘The Dance of Death’. Of course we will finish with a triumphant conga dance.”

There’s rumours that the troupe will also link arms, sway and sing Vera Lynn’s now infamous WW2 classic, ‘We’ll Meet Again’, but with modified lyrics.

“We’ve modified the lyrics to reflect the contemporary times we dance in,” the rep advised, ” so instead of singing,

We’ll meet again,

Don’t know where, don’t know when

We will now sing,

We’ll meet again,

On a Covid-19 ward, sometime after two to fourteen days from yesterday, plus the week or two it takes for symptoms of CV-19 to really kick in”

Critics, and supporters of nanny states that crush inalienable rights, have poured cold water on the national street party tour plan.

“Well, they would wouldn’t they,” the representative shrugged, “I’m a glass half full type. I’m not going to let some cold and flu turn me into a wallflower. We hope Boris will be proud.”

Don’t we all. Just look at everything he’s achieved so far.

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE PAPER MILLIONAIRES : A MAN has been ostracised by his local community and labelled a “freak” after he bought books about climate change, in a panic.

Mr Chester McDougall, 44, Burning Ball Lane, Floodwater-on-Why, purchased the books after deciding (for himself!) that the predominately tax exile controlled British media may not be telling him the whole truth about what is happening to the environment.

“He’s supposed to be worried about the environment and he’s gone and bought all those paper books?” neighbour, and local idiot, Mr Local Idiot, told LCD Views (in disgust), “what’s he going to do when he’s finished reading them? Apart from bore the tits off all of us. It’s not like you can read a book twice or give it away.”

Mr Idiot himself has however also invested in paper products.

“Think how much money Chester has wasted on books?” Local wanted to know, while showing our reporter the spare room he had recently filled with toilet paper.

“He could have gotten dozens of rolls of bog roll. That’s where the smart money is going. Instead he’s blown his dosh on propagandist literature about polar bears and the risk of climate change refugees. You won’t see any refugee bears in my village. The local factory, which makes arms for export all around the world, is all we need here, thank you very much.”

But Mr McDougall was said to be “unrepentant” this morning and on the cusp of donating (regularly!) to Greenpeace, and maybe a refugee charity.

“Throwing his money down the drain!” spat Mr Idiot, “he’s been radicalised by that Greater Tuberg. He needs to follow Piers Morgan and Donald Trump and Nigel Farage. Actual men. Actual conversation starters.”

Mr McDougall said he hoped to donate some of the books to the local library, in the hope of other people in his community reading them.

“This just shows how out of touch he is,” Mr Idiot added, “we’ve already burnt the library down. Now if you don’t mind I’m feeling a bit of an emergency of my own building and need to flush some more of my money down the drain.”

MAKE GOOD USE OF BAD RUBBISH – NO THANKS! : THE DIRTY FUEL INDUSTRIES, AND THEIR LOBBYISTS, are resting more easily today after notorious enviro-terror organisation, The Wombles, were added to the anti-terror watchlist by Home Office Secretary Priti Patel.

She did this completely independently, with no influence from US billionaire funded, right wing think tanks (that we know of) who appear to think that short term profit is more important than anything resembling a sustainable future for life on the planet.

“The bank accounts of dirty fuel billionaires will still exist after we’ve all wiped ourselves, and most of the Earth’s biomass, out,” said a spokesman for Burn It All And Weep (it’s an educational charity which trolls about social issues),

“think of it like the pyramids of Ancient Egypt. The pharaohs maybe long dead but you know who was king! Yeah! Forever. By our works will we be remembered! You dirty hippy! Who is going to know about you in a thousand years time? Ha! Loser!”

Uncle Bulgaria, leader of The Wombles, has long been the focus of attention due to his extreme preachings and the overall behaviour of what will now be recognised as a global terror network.

“Do you know where Greta Thunberg was radicalised?” the spokesman demanded, “it was on Wimbledon Common. It’s amazing Uncle Bulgaria was allowed to get away with his alarming activities for so long without attracting the attention of the authorities. Look at him. Big beard. Weird hat and clothing. Yeah, he’s infiltrated our society and radicalised the young. No doubt about it, he’s a mad environmental mullah.”

But the action against The Wombles isn’t the end of it. The Home Office has other notorious and dangerous sects on its list.

“Dr Seuss, we’re issuing him with a travel ban. Have you read ‘The Lorax’? Holy cow! And the kids in that film ‘Free Willy’, god knows what they’re up to these days after such a misguided beginning. Well, Global Briton will be safe from all of them. Good riddance to bad rubbish! Now get yourself a lump of coal and eat.”

WIND, LIGHT, EBB AND FLOW : TORY LEADERSHIP (USING THAT WORD LOOSELY) hopeful Jeremy Hunt has promised a much bigger navy today in response to the rising tensions in the Gulf.

“The Iranians are likely to raid our sunshine,” he sighed, “we need to establish a ring of steel about the burning ball above. Much like we have to protect the endless shipments of dead dinosaurs we ship about the globe. The sun must be guarded also so its light can be gathered into panels before bad actors steal it on the way. I will match the billions spent guarding oil with the same spend in blood and treasure guarding the sun.”

But it’s not just solar energy that needs protecting in an area of rising global tensions.

“Wind too. We shall direct the RAF to patrol constantly to ensure the wind is able to reach our turbines. So too the tides. It’s a credible threat. Men from far away specially trained to ride tide stealing surfboards. Trident submarines will guard the ebb and flow when I am PM.”

It’s obvious that any transition to renewable energy sources will only lead to increasing tensions with the big oil states.

Boris Johnson wasn’t to be outdone. He matched Hunt’s promises with his own.

“Whoever heard of ships propelled by wind?” he shook his head, “oil is the future. More oil. Big, lovely ships full of oil in their bellies at risk of being blown up. And what’s better is it’s free! The dinosaurs buried it in the ground before they shuffled off the mortal coil. If everyone knows we’re prepared to go to war to protect dinosaur eggs there is no risk of war. It’s the future. It’s the only way to ensure peace on earth.”

He added that he would order the RAF to patrol the wind and get in front of it before it gets away.

“Endless risk of war is the only way. Renewables are so yesterday.”