COMPLICATED PROBLEMS DEMAND SIMPLE SOLUTIONS as we all know from following right wing politics in recent years. And NATO has come up with the ideal solution to the tangled mess of horrors emanating from the USA.
“The only option open to us is tough love,” said NATO talking head Rudi Remarki. Our dear friends across the water have, as the phrase goes, lost the plot. If the USA was a pet, it would go straight to the vet. If it was a much loved family member, we would lovingly send it on a one way trip to Switzerland. But you can’t do those things with an entire nation.”
So Remarki had a more pertinent analogy, and the solution was blindingly obvious.
“If the USA was a computer, however, we would simply turn it off, and then turn it on again. It worked for my old laptop, and also with Dubya funnily enough,” claimed Remarki. “Let’s try it with the whole USA. Simples!”
Remarki asserted that NATO was unanimous in their decision. “Except for the USA themselves, of course,” he added. “But we classified the nation as clinically insane and unable to vote rationally. Officially, they abstained.”
In these batshit crazy times, the idea of pulling the plug – quite literally – on The Biglyest Nation On Earth, Ever seems positively rational.
But what would that look like?
“Unlike our American friends , we have pondered the consequences,” said Remarki. “The USA will power down. No electricity, gas, oil, internet. Nothing. Blackout. The red, white and blue screen of death. Everything will stop, like a lockdown but done properly this time. Then we at NATO will slowly count to ten, in all our many and varied European languages, to be woke and piss off the Americans while it’s safe to do so. We will press the reset button. And then reboot the USA as if none of this batshit ever happened. But with a serious antivirus program installed this time.”
“And we will make the Americans pay for it.”