Category: The Special Relationship

COMPLICATED PROBLEMS DEMAND SIMPLE SOLUTIONS as we all know from following right wing politics in recent years. And NATO has come up with the ideal solution to the tangled mess of horrors emanating from the USA.

“The only option open to us is tough love,” said NATO talking head Rudi Remarki. Our dear friends across the water have, as the phrase goes, lost the plot. If the USA was a pet, it would go straight to the vet. If it was a much loved family member, we would lovingly send it on a one way trip to Switzerland. But you can’t do those things with an entire nation.”

So Remarki had a more pertinent analogy, and the solution was blindingly obvious.

“If the USA was a computer, however, we would simply turn it off, and then turn it on again. It worked for my old laptop, and also with Dubya funnily enough,” claimed Remarki. “Let’s try it with the whole USA. Simples!”

Remarki asserted that NATO was unanimous in their decision. “Except for the USA themselves, of course,” he added. “But we classified the nation as clinically insane and unable to vote rationally. Officially, they abstained.”

In these batshit crazy times, the idea of pulling the plug – quite literally – on The Biglyest Nation On Earth, Ever seems positively rational.

But what would that look like?

“Unlike our American friends , we have pondered the consequences,” said Remarki. “The USA will power down. No electricity, gas, oil, internet. Nothing. Blackout. The red, white and blue screen of death. Everything will stop, like a lockdown but done properly this time. Then we at NATO will slowly count to ten, in all our many and varied European languages, to be woke and piss off the Americans while it’s safe to do so. We will press the reset button. And then reboot the USA as if none of this batshit ever happened. But with a serious antivirus program installed this time.”

“And we will make the Americans pay for it.”

FROM WASHINGTON WITH LOVE : BREAKING NEWS today that super genius and disrupter Elon Musk has decided to cut the entire US federal government in order to save money.

The plan, expected to be approved by so called President Donald Trump when he stops golfing, will see all US governance functions moved to The Kremlin.

It’s understood that Mr Musk has been so impressed by the Russian leader’s ability to run both his own country, significant parts of his neighbours, while also acting as a consultant to US tech giants, that it’s been thought best to “move operations to the Kremlin in the name of efficiency.”

Quite what the American people will think of the shift in their centre of power “doesn’t matter” because “they were promised they wouldn’t have to vote again and they voted for it.”

For his part, Russian President for Life Vladimir Putin, is yet to comment as “he’s in his bunker waiting for his daily news update to arrive once it’s been transcribed with lemon onto toilet paper”.

Mr Trump himself is thought to remain in residence in The White House and will receive his instructions “in his usual way”, while also turning the entire complex into a palace that would make both an old sultan in The Topkapi harem blush, as well as deceased Playboy entrepreneur Hugh Hefner.

It’s thought further plans to replace USD with roubles have been put on hold until Mr Musk’s new peer to peer payment network is established.

Supporters of Mr Trump have endorsed the plan as “they’ve no fucking idea what’s really going on already.”

IT’S GOOD TO TALK : The new President of the United States, Joe Biden, has a lot on his plate. He’s four years of Donald Trump to repair, and also attempt to tackle the reasons why Donald Trump happened in the first place. His life would be somewhat simpler if he didn’t also have to spare a thought for Britain Trump.

To streamline things it is rumoured he is about to appoint a special, and new, member to his cabinet solely tasked with focusing on Boris Johnson and the disaster of his premiership.

“The President has enough domestic issues and ongoing international crises without having to constantly pick up the phone to deal with that overgrown toddler in 10 Downing Street,” a source inside the White House told LCD Views. “So he’s given someone the task of dedicating themselves to it. Otherwise he risks spending almost as much time on the phone to Johnson as Trump did at golf.”

For his part the British Prime Minister is said to be really happy at the decision, because it means he’s actually been noticed.

“This shows the special relationship is as strong as its been since Churchill and whoever was the president of the United States then,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “As close as when George Dubya gave Tony ‘T-Bone’ Blair a bomber jacket and turned his head so completely he agreed to invade Iraq on spurious evidence. We’re really thrilled. Boris is just sat next to his phone waiting for it to call.”

And waiting for the newest Biden appointee to phone will have other benefits.

“The PM is having his head done in by his girlfriend’s attempts to buy Russian flag wallpaper for the 11 Downing Street flat. At least now he can pretend he’s working whenever she tries to drag him into all that.”