THE PEOPLE HAD A VOTE and the dust has settled on a remarkable result for the Labour Party. It was some achievement to come third in a two horse race, and Labour is promising to learn the lessons from their exceptional campaign.
Everybody knows that Labour owes its origins to the unions and the working man. Until recently, they could rely on the working-class vote in an inner-city constituency like Gorton & Denton. But now there are two new kids on the block: the Green Party, which has camped squarely on Labour’s traditional territory; and Reform, who want to Take Are Cuntry Bak to feudal times.
“We will learn the lessons from this defeat!” hooted Labour’s policy spokeswonk Neil Ibberall. “There are the right lessons, and the left – I mean, wrong – ones. We can discount Green policies, because after all who wants nationalised utilities and cheap renewable power? Only the bleeding heart wokies and tree huggers. So to become more electable, we have to take the lead from Reform. Become Reform-lite, if you will.”
Ibberall managed to ignore completely the fact that the Greens actually won the election.
“Reform are still crying about losing, which is their absolute right, therefore we in Reform-lite must do the same, only rather half-heartedly,” said Ibberall. “We must appeal to our natural fanbase by mimicking the very tactics and policies of our erstwhile deadly enemies.”
Meanwhile the right wing press and talking heads are having a collective meltdown, and even aggrieved three year olds are starting to tell them to grow up. “That man needs a slap, Mummy,” remarked Todd Lurr, spokeschild for the Anklebiters’ Union, after seeing yet another clip of Nigel Farage losing his shit. “Can I have another biscuit now? Why not? It’s not fair!”
So now we can look forward to yet another generation of Labour candidates who would be happy just to come second to a nasty posh git.