51st STATE OF THE NATION: Donald Trump has reluctantly conceded losing the Canadian election. With his characteristic bigly good grace, he dubbed them ‘woke liberal communist losers’.
“Canada are losers!” he announced at an impromptu news conference. Independent observers noted how his podium resembled the bar at one of his MAGA-Lago golf courses. “We will build the wall that I tore down yesterday, all my troubles are so far away, so far away, like Canada, now there will be tariffs, the greatest tariffs, the bestest bigly tariffs, 5 million percent on maple syrup, tariffs that Biden was too weak to even think of. Pancakes, which I invented, not many people know that, yet the wokies want to ban them, woke infecting the world, which was round, remember, until I told them better, the woke mind virus infecting the universities and the schools and the schools of fish. The Dart of the Eel. Remember the fish, that’s important, thanks for all the fish, BAN SHARKS NOW!”
The sun shone brightly upon the golf course, as Trump’s loyal squadron of caddies scoured the course for all the golf balls that Trump had lost, and which they had replaced in suspiciously advantageous positions. Their tans resembled that of their great leader, the hours of exposure to the elements giving them a healthy glow. Only their tans didn’t glow in the dark. Even to handle one of the President’s balls was a capital offence in the kingdom of The Donald. Offenders were incarcerated instantly, unless they were unlucky and had to listen to one of the President’s speeches first.
Canada may have won the battle, but they lost at golf since Trump named his opponent Canada while cheating to victory.
And Canada has vowed to rebuild the wall that never was, to keep out fleeing Americans.