BRIGHTER THAN A BABOON’S BACKSIDE : GREAT NEWS today for people wondering why interim President of the United States, Donald Trump, is so keen on exploiting the desperate struggle for survival of Ukraine for personal gain.
For days now the entirety of the Western liberal order has puzzled over why President Trump has seemingly switched sides and now backs Russia in its genocidal invasion of its neighbour.
“It’s minerals,” our geological analyst reports, “Ukraine is heaving with Orangetanium. A rare earth metal that is the ingredient in the bronzer Mr Trump uses to keep his trademark orange glow. The other component of the product is pig fat.”
But while the discovery of the Orangetanium mineral deposits explains Mr Trump’s desire to cut a deal where Ukraine gives him everything he wants, Russia everything its President for Life wants, and nothing in exchange for Ukraine, people are still left wondering how a sitting US President could betray his allies.
“Orangetanium is toxic in high doses,” our expert explains, “if used over a long period it can lead to all sorts of mental behaviour. Things like sexual assault, inability to even run a casino, illiteracy, temper tantrums befitting a spoiled three year old brat and an addiction to self-grandiosity devoid of evidence.”
While the downside of an addiction to Orangetanium is self-evident, it does have some benefits for heavy users.
“It forms a sort of force field on the user’s face. Strong enough to deflect any semblance of self-awareness. Really any quality that makes someone human in the best sense. Extended exposure will lead to fascism and an unstoppable return to an early childlike state wherein the addict hears his father bullying him repeatedly and mimics that in his daily behaviour. Oh, and did I mention an inability to even run a casino? Yeah. Not advisable to allow someone like that to run your economy.”