NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT: There is no evidence of a shortage of drugs, claimed Minister for White Lines, Michael Gove. If anything, Brexit has made the normal supply lines more effective.
Gove certainly has a nose for these matters. His finger is on the erratic pulse. His bloodshot eye is on the ball as he sniffs out trouble. There is no need for panic, he says.
Gove was a little late to this morning’s press briefing, finally putting in an appearance at half past two.
“I’m SO SORRY for being LATE,” he grumbled sarcastically, like a sulky teenage girl, and putting the final word into air quotes. “I’ve, erm, been on a bender.”
Since his notorious split from the Daily Mail’s star harridan, Sarah Vine, nobody doubted this at all.
“No but seriously,” he pleaded, swaying conspicuously, and struggling to focus. “Seriously, my experience is that white lines… no… county lines… no… supply lines… yes! Still got it!… erm… yeah, word on the street is that drugs are reaching our shore faster than ever before. Brexit had made this possible! Who’s a good boy, then? Who’s a good boy?”
Pressed on why this should be so, Gove brightened up.
“It’s levelling up!” he claimed. “Given trade a shot in the arm. You have to get the baking tray level, Fanny Cradock, or everything falls off. I mean, controlling our borders. Makes everything easier. No checks, no customs, no income tax, no VAT! Ship the drugs direct to where they are needed, and cut out the middleman! Och aye the noo, wee Jimmy, keep your stash in your wee sporran, and awa’ wi’ ye!”
So well the NHS gain from this tangible benefit of Brexit?
“The NHS? Nobody mentioned the NHS! What’s the NHS got to do with it?” he spluttered. “Excuse me, I need to powder my nose.”