FESTIVE SEASON SPECIAL : WORKING OUT WHAT VARIANT OF THE PLAGUE is in your home is one of the new must do past times for Global Britons. Whatever maybe said about the quality of leadership of the UK Government during the pandemic, no one can accuse them of being out of touch with viral fashions.
“It’s about synergy,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “You can not keep justifying awarding mates of ministers multi-million pound PPE and testing contracts if we don’t have the latest variant in house, so to speak. We’re world leaders in the rapid import of each new strain, assuming we haven’t cooked it up at home. In that case we’re world leading exporters. This is what winning for Global Britons looks like. Import and export of CV-19 strains. No one can touch us and increasingly no one wants to.”
But it’s not just ministers that are keen to be seen with the latest pathogens, ordinary hardworking Brits are conscious of staying up to date with the latest developments in the pandemic too.
LCD Views has studied the literature available and put together the FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU MAY HAVE THE OMICRON VARIANT.
It’s very straightforward.
1. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes that you are odds on to have OMICRON right now!
If you’re unsure than all you need to do is put together a list of your symptoms, which leads us onto…
2. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Anyone who doubted that a shambolic and emotionally retarded clown couldn’t manage the pandemic to ensure his voters have the MUST HAVE variant need look no further than the reading on their latest digital thermometer. If the temperature is rising you know who’s in Downing Street.
3. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes and you don’t have symptoms of today’s newest bit of rampant RNA than don’t worry, you’re probably asymptomatic and can ensure the non-availability of testing will help you keep your community current. Even if you can get a test if is just possible it’s with a company that has no prior experience in the field but had the right member of the PM’s government in their contact book.
4. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Look no further than your bedsheets. They’ll be damp, dirty and in need of changing in no time. But not because you’ve been busy between the sheets, if you know what we mean. A microbe is though, replicating like mad inside your cells. Nice.
And lastly, but certainly not least, we come to the fifth sign that almost guarantees you have the latest in viral loads.
5. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? You can’t keep a good man down and there is nothing your Prime Minister won’t do to ensure you’re a card carrying member of the platinum club. If platinum means years of attritional anxiety to the point where the most minor of physical comforts has you fearing it’s all over. Just pack those kids off to school and wait for them to come home talking about the class mate in the unfiltered air with the cough.
Take the day off from worry. Take ten days off consecutively. If you answered yes to one or all of our straightforward questions than you can be sure if you don’t have OMICRON today, you will tomorrow. World beating.