LOOK INTO MY EYES : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to “set eyes swivelling” at midday today with the announcement of a major new infrastructure programme.
As the nation stops for lunch Mr Johnson will be beamed into homes from 10 Downing Street with a gravy stain carefully positioned on his crumpled white shirt.
“We’re not yet clear if the sleeves will be rolled up or a creased and incorrectly sized, ill-fitting suit jacket worn for the broadcast,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But the message will be vintage Johnson. His hair is being prepared as we speak and a dollop of cranberry sauce smeared across a nearby rug to get social media theorising about bloodstains and spread the message.”
The timing of the re-announcement of the intention to construct a bridge between Scotland and Ireland has some Tory backbenchers nervous though. And not because their chums will get the cash for the latest feasibility study.
“Some are saying that he’s out of ideas. The the timing of the re-announcement of an already binned, fantastical bridge project is just to distract from the fact we’re still pursuing herd immunity via natural infection and the NHS is about to collapse. Nothing could be further from the truth. The PM is a dreamer. This is a dream. Admittedly it now feels decidedly feverish.”
The broadcast is thought to be part of an “image reset” as Mr Johnson seeks to get news of a “bacchanalian orgy of classical proportions” held at 10 Downing Street last Christmas off the front pages.
“This will get everyone going,” the source enthuses. “Just don’t think about all the dead people because Johnson couldn’t be arsed to have an argument with some sociopathic Tory MPs who think face masks are an affront to their liberty. Conservative MPs must be free to indirectly kill constituents with sociopathic policy or what’s the point of being in government?”
A date for the construction of the bridge hasn’t been decided, but the destination is obvious already.
“Nowhere. That’s where the bridge is going.”