FALLING OFF A CLIFF EDGE: The ultimate protection against migrants has been created by Priti Patel. In a scheme described as “daring and fabulously creative”, the famous White Cliffs of Dover will be extended to form a protective ring around the country.
As usual, anyone pointing out the obvious flaws will be denounced as unpatriotic and hating their country. This self-evident truth was demonstrated by Patel herself in an off-the-record briefing.
“Ms Patel, the logistics alone don’t bear thinking about!” exclaimed a weary sounding official. “There’s no way we can move that amount of chalk, the rivers would have nowhere to go, all our ports would close, seaside holidays would be a thing of the past, it would cost an absolute bomb, and it wouldn’t work anyway!”
“Off with his head!” shrieked Patel. “Treason, that’s what it is! Not believin’ in Britain! NOBODY contradicts The Prittster! Your head will be hangin’ from the gallows first thing in the mornin’!”
The Home Office managed to put out a slightly less deranged statement. “Extending the iconic White Cliffs is part of a grand project to make the UK as unwelcoming as possible,” explained Home Office ghoul Ade Cutts. “Nobody can scale those cliffs, and if those cliffs surrounded England, nobody would be able to get in. That would make the smelly oiks crossing the Channel in search of freebies think twice. It’s that simple!”
Hundreds of consultancies with links to Tory MPs were instantly queueing up to tell Patel what a great idea it was, pocket exorbitant fees, then advise her to quietly abandon the project on cost grounds. It is just another idiotic scheme like a Boris Bridge, after all, and the only reason it gets past the censors is that Tory chums get to cream off huge amounts of public money.
Patel can build her wall, and make the EU pay for it. Good luck with that.