HIT FAST AND HIT EARLY : A STUNNING LEAK from the Home Office this morning shows that world beating Home Secretary Priti Patel is more than a match for Labour’s new Shadow Home Secretary.
While all of progressive social media celebrated the elevation of Cooper (and Lammy) to the front bench anyone paying attention could tell that Priti Patel was unfazed and ready to take on her latest opponent.
“No one can remember who the last Shadow Home Secretary was,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “And once Ms Patel has finished changing the law no one will be able to even say who Yvette Cooper is without risking a lengthy internment.”
It is also said that various ideas where initially floated to deal with Cooper, from wave machines outside Westminster and paying the French to abduct her, but in the end just changing the law was deemed the easiest.
And it seems the law change will have broader benefits for the ruling Conservatives.
“We’ve made great strides in criminalising competence and humanity, attention to detail and focus already, but the new Cooper Law will guarantee total rule for generations to come.”
While the details of the new legislation are being hurriedly cobbled together, the leak says that anyone who can actually read a policy document and think through its implications will be classed as an extremist, have their citizenship removed in a fit of manic laughing by the Home Secretary, and then moved to an immigration deportation facility.
“The moment Cooper starts holding Priti Patel to account and showing her up for the ghastly and inhumane spectacle of tyranny that she is, Ms Patel will prove her right.”