GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING HOME OFFICE is giving the stick to thousands of foreign scientists who have attempted to undermine Brexit.
Early this morning Home Office Secretary Priti Patel began personally signing deportation notices to all the foreign scientists and Nobel laureates who thumbed their nose at her offer to come and work in the UK via the special fast track visa scheme.
“They think they can do Great Britain down? Well they’ll have to think again now!” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “We extend the open palm of friendship and give them a way to leapfrog the queues at are boarders but they’re too good for us? We will see about that.”
The deportations will be actioned immediately with many of the Nobel prize winners finding themselves rapidly moved to a grimy, unheated, virus infected concrete blockhouse prior to being shipped back to where they haven’t come from.
“Clearly there’s a few technical difficulties involved in deporting people who aren’t in the country,” the source explains. “We’ve hired actors to play the roles of the Nobel prize winners and they have now been released into our communities to perform. Immigration enforcement officers will soon track them down and place them under lock and key. After that it will be a swift kick up the back side and over the Channel and into France with them!”
The deportations in absentia will act as a warning for any other category of foreign talent who try and undermine Brexit.
“We’re a successful country who welcomes anyone who wishes to contribute to our political culture of government via tabloid,” the source adds. “Once the world sees what happens to you if you don’t come here they’ll soon get the message to stay away. Which is just the way we like it.”