WHEN IS A DEAL NOT A DEAL: When it’s an Australia-style points-based deal, that’s when! It appears that the squeaky clean squeaky voiced pork marketeer Liz Truss has finally mastered believing six impossible things before breakfast.
But what does this all mean? The deal, which was proudly touted as a triumph not long ago, has been revealed as a sham. Champagne, or shambolic?
So Truss has entered the fray, to save face, or at least to throw some more dead cats on the table in order that we might believe in fairies and unicorns too.
“We import 99% of our Vegemite,” explained Truss slowly, as if talking to particularly dense schoolchildren. “This. Is. A. Dis. Grace!”
It’s not as if a perfectly good British equivalent were not available.
“There is a solution to this,” she declared, pausing for effect. “An Australia-style points-based trade deal means we only buy stuff we want, not all the other rubbish that gets tagged along with the kangaroo testicles. We will only accept goods that reach our world beating standards.”
And how are these standards to be declared and maintained?
“We are going to appoint a Clandestine Australian Points Commander,” she said, with an undisguised note of triumph in her voice. “The Commander will assign points to all the tat that Australia tries to flog us, although we may insist he is more generous if the Aussies let us win the Ashes this time around.”
Truss disclosed that she has also tried to assimilate Australian culture, in a further bid to curry favour.
“I have learned the words to that song about Australia!” she boasted. “Listen… ‘I come from a land down under, where… something… can you hear thunder? You’d better get under cover!’ I can also play the flute solo, well a bit of it!”
Only one outcome. Nul points.