PAY TO PLAY : 10 Downing Street has confirmed this morning that the official job title of the country’s most prominent minister has changed. It was felt the old title of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland was too long for modern attention spans and something “retro” and “catchy” would be best to reflect the contemporary British political climate.
“We settled on Tsar Boris Johnson because everyone knows what a Tsar is,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Rumours that Mrs Johnson came up with the idea first are true, but we will not confirm it unless everyone starts looking for her Rasputin.”
While the job title may have been shortened the public should not be concerned that the duties of the office held by Tsar Johnson have changed.
“If anything he’s taking on more work,” the source advises. “The new title reflects well the accumulation of executive power by 10 Downing Street and opens the way for the post to be inherited by one of Mr Johnson’s various children. The Queen is right behind it because the Royals will do what we tell them to if they want to keep their palaces. Also Tsar is reminiscent of the links of the British royal family with other historical autocrats. In this way it’s a very sympathetic change.”
The public are warned though not to be concerned that the connotations of absolute rule the title holds are anything to worry about.
“We’ll be passing a law to make it illegal to disrespect the office of Tsar. So if you’re bothered about it I’d keep quiet.”
But it’s not just a rebrand so Mr Johnson’s title reflects his behaviour and the direction of travel of the United Kingdom.
“When you have a look at the list of Tory Party donors you’ll understand it’s a really nice gesture by the Johnson’s. A doff of the cap to oligarchs who pay to play in the UK today.”