IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT: Put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, for our precious and beloved economy! Because we aren’t going to do anything more constructive than that.
Leading the regular Thursday clap for the economy will be none other than Crime Minister Boris Johnson. In other words, he will be seen to be doing something positive, without actually having to do anything at all.
Armies of obedient MPs were sent out into the real world to push the fake narrative that Number Ten scribbled on the back of a fag packet.
“Boris cares deeply about the economy,” said one such drone, Holden McCrownjewels, at the press conference hastily arranged to mark the announcement. “This is the beginning of a huge turnaround! Not a U-turn, not a policy failure, and definitely not Gesture Politics!”
Quite how this squares with Johnson’s unguarded “fuck business” comment, nobody knows. The hopeless hired hacks lapped it all up like the obedient poodles they are.
It was the same everywhere. The BBC, ITV, Sky, all had the same spiel from identikit MPs like Una Bashed and Lister Platt-Etudes. All of them delivered their words while secretly hoping it wasn’t Thursday.
Channel 4 tried to get under the skin of one such unfortunate. This led to him droning on about vaccines and how useless Labour are, but no further clarity on economic policy.
One thing, however, is certain. Boris Johnson will milk the publicity until The People realise that making a noise once a week does nothing to prevent the economy tanking. Since they will likely no longer have a job or a home, thanks to the dying economy, they will be outside anyway, and may as well clap to keep warm.
Thank you, economy! Thank you and good night. All good things come to an end. We’ll miss you.