I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON: Recently relegated rogue MP Dominic Raab has come up with a great plan to avoid any unnecessary scrutiny. In his grand plan, low level offenders will be recruited to overcome the national shortage of competent MPs.
Naturally MPs must make the switch in the opposite direction. Any MP lacking the courage of his or her convictions can now have someone else’s conviction, for free.
The allegedly former senior lawyer and heartthrob with the throbbing vein in his temple believes that, at worst, nobody will notice. “The public thinks that we sit around all day, being fed and watered by the public purse, while doing nothing,” remarked low level offender Nick Sweets. “Honestly, the same could be said of most MPs.”
The famous anonymous Downing Street Source struggled to counter Sweets’ assertion. “It’s not true at all!” gibbered the Source, looking around desperately for some straws to grasp. “For example, only today Grant Shapps has drawn up a list! Boris Johnson has put on a Hi-Viz jacket! The list goes on!”
Meanwhile, people like Sweets will be given rigorous training to allow them to solve the MP shortage. The process is likely to be streamlined, says the Source.
“We will show them how to wear a tie,” said the Source. “As Mr Speaker will tell you, this is the first and most important duty of an MP. Their dress is designed to command respect. Then they will be shown how to vote, and told what to vote for. After that, it’s up to them!”
“The question is, do I want to sit all day with a bunch of criminals shouting at each other?” asked Sweets, reasonably. “On balance, I think I would rather stay in prison.”
While Raab and his fellow crooks hope that swapping their MP roles for a short prison sentence means that they will get off lightly for their crimes.