KNIGHTS IN SHINING AUDIS: The cavalry is coming! Over the hill… across the channel… and straight into an endless queue to buy the last gallon of unleaded in the country.
A fleet of elegant, modern, continental vehicles rolled smoothly off the ferry, putting the English jalopies and Eastern European rejects to shame. Unfortunately they arrived on Great British roads. Almost immediately they were forced to follow an old boy in a 1960s Hillman Imp, weaving in and out of the lanes, making it impossible to pass. But there was a Union Jack sticker on the corroded chrome bumper, so that was all right.
Then there were the boy racers, zooming in and out of the traffic with no regard to the rules of the road, motor car safety, or bye-laws on noise management.
By the time that these classic British hazards had been negotiated, the little Woke ‘low fuel’ light was flashing, so the sleek limousines pulled into the nearest filling station.
Except that the queue was over a mile long, and the overhead signs read “No fuel at services”.
The drivers made a calculation in that rational way that only Germans deem necessary. There’s enough fuel left to make it back to the port, they decided. One swift U-Turn later, almost as swift as Boris Johnson caught in a disaster of his own making, and the Saviours of Britain were beating a hasty retreat. The snowflake Germans were jeered on their way by coughing, scurvy-riddled, patriotic peasants with most of their teeth missing.
In retreat, the Germans sent a message to the rump of British Command. We tried to rescue you and your economy, as promised, but British motorists and total lack of Unleaded thwarted the attempt. Goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersehen pet.
The German car manufacturers have finally made it. They came, they saw, they went home as quickly as possible.
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