YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on the front foot today and leading his increasingly desperate and bedraggled people out of the wilderness he’s lead them into.
It’s said the PM will style himself “after Nero” and give a speech today from the 10 Downing Street balcony. He will be dressed in a “toga” that will be “heavily stained from the bunga bunga party that is alleged to have happened in that Russian oligarch owned villa in Tuscany when he was Foreign Secretary”.
The speech itself will be classic Johnson and acknowledge the terrible state of today by promising a “lovely day tomorrow”. It is expected prominent UK journalists will report the speech “breathlessly” and fail to point out that it’s always a lovely day tomorrow under Boris Johnson, but today is always worse than yesterday.
The PM will break from his usual classical Greek references and instead tip his hat towards his colleagues by inventing some Latin. “Aedificare retro melius” is expected to feature repeatedly in the energetic and promising speech which will prove to voters all that is needed to make a success of the country is to deny reality.
But he will also show his impressive range of learning by drawing on a classic line from the 19th century German philosopher Nietzsche and remind the nation, “Out of life’s school of war—what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger“, which may come as a surprise to the 150,000 people who have largely avoidably died in the pandemic thanks to Mr Johnson’s morally bankrupt government.
The PM is expected to receive strong backing from his Home Secretary Priti Patel who is said to be very keen to not kill anyone at all, but rather have them exist in a state of “never ending torture”. The Chancellor will also offer his support out of a sense that it is “not yet time to plunge the knife in and try and become Prime Minister”.