MAD MAX DYSTOPIAN HELLSCAPE : Downing Street has offered welcome support today for Transport Secretary Grant Shapps, and by extension the entire cabinet.
The Transport Secretary has been receiving incoming fire over his decision to make the UK’s motorways arguably much less safe, rather than admit Brexit was a mistake. In particular his decision to reverse regulations covering HGV driving licences. The most eye catching part of which is getting rid of the boring parts like how to reverse or actually uncouple one of the giant road trains from itself.
“Drivers won’t need to know how to reverse or uncouple trailers,” Shapps is reported to have said. “The sheer momentum of two HGV’s driven by barely trained, inexperienced drivers will see them reverse once they slam head first into one another in some ghastly accident in a small town involving a mother and a pram or some cockapoodle. That will do the uncoupling too.”
It all makes perfect sense. But of course enemies of the people, who stop at nothing to undermine Brexit, have gone all nanny state on Shapps. Happily for Mr Shapps the PM has his back.
“Shapps? Is it Shapps? Is that what he’s called these days? Is that the Transport Secretary?” a spokesman said on behalf of the Prime Minister Boris Johnson. “Great chap. Just magnificent. Team player. The heel on the Achilles of freight.”
Other contorted classical references followed in what has been described as a “a semi-trailer of confidence in the Transport Secretary by someone rumoured to be perpetually hammered”.
It is hoped that the mere mentioning of Mr Shapps’ name by the PM will be enough to shut up the general public and set aside their worries over dying avoidably in an horrific accident.
“Look we’ve given up all standards in controlling pandemics,” the spokesman added, “look at the sterling work of Truss! No standards in trade negotiations! Ha! What’s a hospital? Whatever Sajid wants it to be. Education? I mean come on, let’s be serious, Williamson? Everywhere you look you see evidence of red tape being cut. Take Afghanistan! The motorways may become less safe but that’s a price worth paying for Brexit. And besides, Tory MPs go everywhere by helicopter so it is frankly unpatriotic to moan about the risk of the bodies piling high on motorways. It’s a price worth paying for Brexit.”
To be fair to Downing Street, the rolling back of regulations covering dozens of tonnes of potential death travelling at high speed is in keeping with what the country expects of its Prime Ministers these days.
“No standards anymore. None at all. Complete laughing stock. The people voted in 2010, 2015, 2016, 2017 and 2019 to abandon all and every standard of governance. The weakening of HGV licences are what they wanted.”