WHAT AM I : The fat boy of British politics has detonated one of his trade secrets today in a revealing interview with Sloth, the lifestyle magazine of the terminally lazy.
Speaking from a desk he made himself out of empty wine crates he emptied himself, the U.K. Prime Minister let a big dead cat out of a big bag of big dead cats.
“I take this bag with me everywhere I go,” he grinned, hair tousled roguishly as he prepares to plunge millions more into working poverty.
“You need a dead cat each and every day. Mind you there’s so many zombie cats running around Westminster now even I don’t know which is supposed to be a distraction from some avoidable screw up caused by my lazy and neglectful approach to governance and what is a result of my appalling inability to do my job.”
The interviewee paused for several seconds to stare disarmingly into a future full of promise.
“But shall I tell you a bona fide trade secret?” he asked. “One of the cards I keep up my crumpled sleeve and put right back up there each time I use it?”
Yes please.
“You know how I appear to have a fetish for low class attire? It’s not just a gimmick I seriously get off on wearing poor man’s clobber. It makes me feel powerful. I mock them and they think I am trying to be one of them. Ha! What idiots. It’s a great lark.”
Continue.
“But there’s also a hidden motivation that no one seems to realise,” he said enthusiastically. “Essential workers wear hi vis. That’s one of the reasons I do it. I’m bloody desperate to be mistaken for an essential worker and not the walking, bumbling calamity I so obviously am. Totally inessential. I know it. You know it. It’s hilarious.”
Well.
“Now? Who’s up for a swim? Throw a bit of red meat to the press core to distract from the pandemic, Brexit, Afghanistan, Universal Credit, every single thing I let Priti do and who pays for my wallpaper! Huzzah!”