KEEP ON TRUCKING : Fantastic news for Global Citizens of Global Britain today after the worsening HGV driver crisis was solved instantaneously.
The answer has been staring us in the face,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Everyone has been carrying on as if the shortage of drivers wasn’t related to Brexit. That it was caused by the ‘pingdemic’. Of course it’s entirely the fault of Brexit and Brexiters. All we had to do once we realised that was look to Brexit traditions for the answer.”
The traditions of Brexit are of course now rich, repetitive, repetitive and repetitive. The actual legal change to the UK’s relationship with the supplier of much of its food and labour did finally introduce newness, by involving the real world. Now that consequences are here Global Britain has to adapt to them.
“We’ll adapt to them by remembering the truths of Brexit. Namely that the EU needs us more than we need the EU. This is obvious, because we’re British.”
It seems this enduring truth will be the solution to the driver crisis and it will be rapid.
“We’re still going to train some local drivers at speed and hope the haste doesn’t result in headline worthy fatal crashes,” the source continues, “but we’re also going to send a strong message to those 10’s of 1000’s of absent EU HGV drivers. Nando’s needs its chicken. You need your groceries. We’re going to sort it.”
In the coming day a cabinet minister will be chosen by lottery to talk directly to the workshy Europeans.
“We’ll simply remind them they need us more than we need them. They’ll come flooding back across the Channel. After they’re been detained by the Home Office for an indeterminate amount of time they’ll be detained at an inland border facility in Kent. Next they’ll be fined for failing to get a Kent Access Permit. Following that they’ll be charged hundreds for LFT’s they get for almost nothing at home. When that’s all completed it will be a simple matter of sending them to a British farm to wait for next year’s crops to be harvested. It couldn’t be simpler.”