ENGLAND’S A GARDEN : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to set out plans later today to deal with the worsening food supply crisis in what will be welcome relief for voters from the Afghan crisis.
“Let me be clear there is no intention to unwind recent immigration law changes,” he will tell a grateful nation. “The Home Secretary’s victory of ending Freedom of Movement from the Continent is secure. It is a beach head for a new Britain. A leaner. Meaner. More self-sufficient Britain that all can take pride in. Like Theseus in a wool shop searching for the exact weave to navigate the Minotaur’s Maze, Global Britons will choose the right packet of seeds. The maiden of a good meal will be taken out of the dark and gazed at it in the candlelight at dinner.”
The plan in essence appears to be an exhilarating revival of the classic ‘Dig for Britain’ scheme of WW2. This has been much mentioned as the sunlit uplands of Brexit were approached and now it’s time. Britons will grow their own food and save themselves from “the tedium of supermarket outings with screaming toddlers” and “inflationary forces.”
Britons are expected to top the league tables of savings on food spending over the coming months as the tangible benefits of Brexit begin to come home “to roost”, unlike the actual chickens. This is to be especially pointed in lessening heavy goods vehicle traffic on our roads and less money wasted on groceries.
“We will deal with the new food chain in the traditional way for peasants. You will grow your own,” he will exhort. “Just imagine the pride of navigating through a damp summer and producing blight free tomatoes! You will handle the empty shelves as we have handled the pandemic. You’ll learn to live with it. You will take personal responsibility for the supply crisis!”
The exciting speech will be delivered before a twelve course lunch to which “only Tory donors have been invited”.